10 Moms Share How They Split Responsibilities With Their Partners To Get “Me Time”

For years, Martha — a mom of two living in New Jersey — would watch her husband head off to play tennis every Sunday morning with the satisfaction of knowing she was the reason. “I found him a group to play with because I knew he needed it,” she says. “But it was years of him saying ‘What’s your tennis’ before I started my Saturday morning upholstery class.”

Finding time for oneself as a parent can be a challenge. Kids at any age, but especially young children, require so much of us that what little free time we do have is often spent in the company of our spouses. And while we do love them and enjoy their company, there’s also something to be said about taking some time alone. But that doesn’t happen without a game plan.

We asked 10 real-life moms to share how they split up responsibilities with their partners to get that most precious of resources: time to themselves.

Izzy, 37, California

"We work on this a lot. My partner takes one evening a week when I go to a friend's, and he does solo parenting. On Saturday mornings, he does jiu-jitsu classes, and I stay with the kids. Often, we tag out for a while when both parents are home. We find getting time together without kids hardest, but we both commit to each of us getting at least a few hours a week solo. Sometimes, I don't want to go out, so that means he takes the kids to do something like go to his parents since I'm the primary parent."

Sara, 42, Pennsylvania

“Short version — one of us takes the open shift, and the other one takes the close. He sleeps in and then takes his time in the morning while I'm getting the kids up and out, unloading the dishwasher, etc. He does most of the active end-of-day parenting: sits with the baby at dinner, makes sure the kids do their chores and bathe, collects the phones at the end of the night, locks up the house, washes the bottles. He does all the driving chores (groceries, taking stuff to the dump, bringing kids all over), and I do all the paperwork chores, which this year included college applications and financial aid, so he's been very good with making sure I have extra down time from all of that.

If this sounds like we have a high school senior and a baby at home, yeah, we do.”

Laura, 42, Virginia

“When my kids were younger (they are 14 months apart), my husband worked full-time with 50% travel, and I was a stay-at-home mom. On Saturdays, he would take both kids to the YMCA for child watch while he worked out, then take them to a second YMCA for child watch while he worked on his laptop in the lobby, then take them for fast food and a car wash. It was a six-hour block of time during which I could shower alone and DO NOTHING. I would sit in silence and just breathe. I’m not sure if the local YMCAs still let you get away with that, but it was everything to me. It saved my sanity.”

Erin, 30, Oregon

“Having my first baby last year sort of kicked my butt. It's been so much harder than I thought it would be. A saving grace has been that my husband and I are really good communicators, not to toot my own horn (toot, toot!), and we're really intuitive with one another. [We'll] ask, 'You seem off; what do you need?' And most of the time, the answer is ‘15 minutes' — to cry, sit in a tub, listen to music, whatever. Sometimes, the answer is 'a night,' but that's not realistic with an infant. We'll get there, though. For now, I suppose our balance is paying attention to one another's energy and calling each other out with love and support.”

Lisa, 37, Pennsylvania

“My husband is an early riser and takes time in the morning for his workout and a.m. routine. If our youngest wakes early, he will get her dressed and fed, too. I will wake and get our oldest up and finish getting them ready and off to school. Since I am remote and he works late, I have them after school, meaning dinner/practices are all on me. Once he gets home, it is understood I tap out, and he does bath and bedtime. I also leave the dishes for him most days. Sometimes, I leave the house and go for a walk at night with the dog, and that recharges my batteries. On weekends, we just make sure each of us has our workout time. If I want to go out with friends, he never objects and makes sure he is home on time.”

Ella, 50, New York City

“We've got teens, so the homework load has intensified. My husband and I are hunters and gatherers — I hunt for the provisions they need, and my hubby gathers the math homework. We get solo time by cooking (and we're taking a bartending class) and by going to concerts of music that my kids find so 'basic.’”

Carmen, 41, Connecticut

“My husband and I are an introvert and an extrovert, respectively, so we need alone time in very different ways in order to recharge. I need to go out — I love hiking and going out with my friends. He needs quiet time to craft/woodwork, or he enjoys inviting friends over for long, complicated board game sessions. Fortunately, this works out super well in terms of finding time to be alone because he gets his recharge time while I’m out doing mine. It’s a twofer.

But to facilitate that, we work together to ensure everything is done around the house so that we can enjoy our time away ‘guilt-free.’ I do most of the planning/errand-running and indoor chores; he does the outdoor chores and the majority of the laundry. We swap dinner duties — whoever doesn’t cook cleans. Not gonna lie: We have a really nice (and lucky) system.”

Meg, 37, Connecticut

“We only have one little one so it feels very manageable, but we each take a night or two a week to ourselves. I have a dance class one night; he'll maybe grab a beer with a friend. We alternate going to trivia with friends once a week (he'll go one week while I go another). After the baby goes down, we spend time hanging with friends at our place, playing board games, or watching a TV show or movie together. The dividing of household chores isn't something we consciously split but happens kinda naturally. I cook most nights since I enjoy cooking, and we order out once a week and maybe go out one other time. I do the majority of the deep cleans, but he does the daily maintenance, vacuuming, and dealing with anything smelly.

He's great about giving me time to myself if I say I need it and vice versa. We both work full-time but have found we have lots of downtime (thank goodness she's a good sleeper). We’re currently trying for No. 2, so I’m guessing I should enjoy the status quo while it lasts!”

Courtney, 35, New York

“We literally would not have alone time if we did not have our incredible nanny who makes our lives possible! I wish more people talked openly about the hired household help in their lives.”

Nicole, 34, Ohio

“It's not a cute story. I basically had to have a nervous breakdown (I was hospitalized) and almost end our marriage before my husband realized I was beyond overwhelmed and without an outlet outside of work and my family, both of which were relentless. We entered marriage counseling, where he had a true 'come to Jesus' moment and finally, after a decade, became a full partner to me, not just someone I loved. He started doing more around the house and more planning around the house, which is where a lot of my burnout was coming from. Also, I relaxed my standards. Not in a gross way, but in a way I wouldn't let myself when everything was falling on me. So, some days, the dishwasher doesn't get unloaded, or the laundry needs to go through another wash cycle because one of us forgot it in there for a couple of days, and I just let it roll off my back. I'm less beholden to image and perfection now, and that's a good thing.

Sharing the load has allowed us more time together and time to pursue our own interests (of course, having kids who are older and more self-sufficient helps that, too). Every week, he goes to a boxing class, and I’ve joined a quilting circle where I’m the youngest member by several decades. Those little older ladies are my zen.”

Interview responses have been lightly edited for length and clarity.