Five Things Nobody Ever Wants To See On Facebook

Gather ‘round, folks. It looks like it’s time for another little heart-to-heart. No, we’re not gonna talk about politics (praise be). And no, we’re not gonna talk about how the mask goes over your nose (seriously, people, it’s not that hard). We’re not even gonna talk about how Beach Body and Noom and all that body-shaming nonsense masquerading as healthy living is trash and please-for-the-love-of-god-stop-with-those-sponsored-ads-Facebook. #IHeartCarbs

Nope, it’s time for us to talk about Facebook shit again. Like, literal shit.

Look, can we all agree that the past year has been shitty enough that we don’t need the literal shit clogging up our news feeds? Just to make these crystal clear, in our latest installment of How Not To Gross Out Friends on Social Media, please, people, we’re begging, stop posting this nastiness on social media:

1. Photos of your baby’s poopy diaper

Yeah, we get it. It’s downright shocking. It looks like mustard. It’s huge. It’s a blowout that ruined your fave lil’ onesie. We’ve been there. We don’t need the visual. Sure, there are some things so nasty that you just have to tell someone. I get it. One of my kids once had a diaper blowout that haunts me to this day. And yes, I took a photo. Do you know who I showed that photo to? My husband. Because, damn right, he needed to be witness to the horror show that his precious spawn had produced. Maybe send the photo to your BFF or Nana. Because grandmas find even poopy diapers cute. But do not – I repeat DO NOT – post that shit on Facebook. Some of us are stress-eating here.

2. Photos of dead animals.

You’d think that after the turmoil of the past election (and the past year, really) that I’d unfollow or “mute” most people due to political rantings on Facebook. Nope. It’s due to their photos of dead animals. I’m from the Northwoods and every few months, there are a rash of photos of friends and family boasting about their latest “trophy.” In the fall, it’s dead deer. In the winter, it’s fish snared while sitting in a fishing shanty. At random times I can’t quite figure out, it’s various kinds of birds. Every time I see these, I nearly weep. As a vegetarian and an animal lover, I’ll admit that I might be a little more sensitive to your pre-taxidermy dead animal photos.

On second thought, nope. Just don’t. No one likes to be reminded that their hamburger was once a cute little baby calf.

3. Wounds

Whether it’s a gnarly gash or a broken bone, unless you’re a medical professional sharing photos for a medical journal, I think it’s a safe bet that we don’t want to see your medical emergencies. Stop posting and get yourself to urgent care. STAT.

4. Close-ups of blackheads and pimple-popping videos

Look, I know there’s a whole market for this nastiness but this is the kind of thing that you should need to opt into, not the other way around. It’s bad enough looking at the whiteheads on our teen’s foreheads, we don’t want them to pop up unannounced on Facebook too.

5. Bare feet

This one is tricky. I’m guessing that most of us have, at one point or another, posted a photo with bare feet in them. Poolside photo, anyone? Sandy toes? Of course, you’ve done it. I’ve done it. We’ve all done it. But here’s the thing about feet, some people get really fucking grossed out about feet. I’m not one of those people, but some people get downright squeamish just looking at even the most beautifully-pedicured toes, let alone the dirty soles of your feet. Personally, I’m completely indifferent to feet photos, but that’s the thing. People are either meh, whatev or PLEASE MAKE IT STOP BEFORE I HURL when it comes to feet, so why not err on the side of caution?

And before you get all up on your throne of defensiveness and self-righteousness if you’ve shared one of these photos, like I said, I’ve posted my fair share of vacation feet-in-the-sand photos. Oh well. No one is saying that if you’ve shared any of these photos you’re a horrible human who deserves to rot in hell. This isn’t some missive meant to shame you; it’s a fluffy post about gross photos on social media. C’mon.

Let’s make a pact. The whole last year was shitty enough all round, let’s not add to it with photos of actual shit. Deal?