Things I'm Going To Do With The $5,000 Trump Gives Me For Having A Baby

As the new administration mulls over strategies for how to get more Americans to settle down, marry, and have as many children as possible, as if everything was normal, President Donald Trump has floated the idea of a $5,000 “baby bonus” that would go to any citizen who gives birth in the United States.

The hope is that attaching a cash incentive to bringing human souls into the world would be so tempting that the country’s birth rate would rise.

And I think he’s right! Just imagine: a family could have seven extra babies and rake in a cool $35,000, enough to buy a low-end minivan (which would only fit 78% of our family members).

I think this is such a great idea that I’m planning to get pregnant, go through labor, and then raise a child for 18 years in order to receive roughly 1.5 months of the average American’s monthly salary, before taxes. I don’t really have a plan, and I don’t really care for children, but whatever happens, I would basically be rich.

Here are just a few things that I would do with my $5,000 “Baby Bonus” money.

• I’d be able to pay for roughly 31% of what it costs to have a baby in a hospital in the United States — hope I don’t have to have a C-section or face any complications whatsoever! Even if I have health insurance, the $5,000 would still not completely wipe out my out-of-pocket costs.
• OR I’d be able to pay for 3.5 months of infant childcare — wow!! That means I’d only have to cover the other $55,000 (on average) before my kid goes to kindergarten.
• OR I could put the $5,000 toward my future child’s in-state public college costs, knocking the average bill from $108,000 for four years to just $103,000! And if I invested that $5,000 now, it might be worth more by the time my kid is 18 (although maybe I shouldn’t invest it in the stock market).
• OR I could feed my child for around two years, and only have 16 years of groceries to pay for on my own!
• OR I could clothe my child for four years! And only have to pay for the other 14 years of clothing costs!
• OR I could make a $5,000 donation to Head Start, which is poised to lose $750 million in funding due to Trump administration cuts. Head Start helps more than 800,000 low-income kids get an early education each year, leading to a huge number of benefits not only to those kids but to the country.
• OR I’d know how it feels to earn almost eight seconds of Elon Musk’s income.

Overall, that $5,000 would mean that I would only spend $305,000 raising my child instead of $310,000 over 18 years. What a deal! Hang on while I have unprotected sex with someone to get one step closer to these riches.