25 Signs You’re A Sloth Parent

Sloth parenting was first coined a few years ago, likely in response to the trend to attach animals to a variety of parenting philosophies. Tiger Mom. Dolphin Dad. Llama Mama. But few of those parenting styles are getting the glow up that Sloth Parenting is getting in 2020.

Quarantine life has kicked sloth parenting up a notch, and made sloths out of even the most Type-A parents. Because crisis parenting isn’t about thriving; it’s about surviving. And sloth parents understand that surviving is thriving.

Sloth parenting isn’t about what you’re doing as much as it’s about what you’re not doing. You live by a “path of least resistance” philosophy. That isn’t to say that you ignore your kids or let them act like assholes, of course. In fact, quite the opposite; you value kindness and compassion more than all other things.

Sloth parents take the long view on things. You have an IDGAF attitude, but only when it comes to things that don’t matter. Will this be a big deal in five minutes? Probably not. Five years? Definitely not. So you don’t let it faze you now.

If you’re wondering what a sloth parent is – and if you might be one – here are 25 signs:

1. Your motto is “good enough.”

2. Not only do you not have a bedtime routine, but bedtime is anywhere between 8 p.m. and midnight.

3. You don’t check your kids’ homework or their grades, but you do read the teacher comments in detail.

4. You don’t have family meal times. You eat when you’re hungry and dinner time is often in front of the TV while watching a show or movie together.

5. If you were an attachment parent, it was by default, because there’s less crying when you let your kids snuggle up in your bed than when you try to get them to sleep in their own. If you weren’t, it was because you were touched the eff out and needed your own damn bed. You felt no guilt about it either because guilt takes too much mental energy.

6. Instead of playing with your kids, you lounge on the couch and watch them play.

7. You don’t know what a Pinterest Project is.

8. You try to avoid baking with your kids because of the mess it creates, but when you do bake with your kids, the end result looks more like something from Nailed It than Kids’ Baking Championship.

9. You have the pizza place down the street on speed dial.

10. You’ve memorized your credit card number because it means you don’t have to get up to retrieve your wallet when you want to order said pizza.

11. You prefer a yard full of native plants and wildflowers to a carefully manicured lawn.

12. You prefer family movie nights to family game nights.

13. Instead of orchestrating a list of activities and games for your kids, you remind them that boredom – like necessity – is also the mother of invention.

14. Instead of practicing letters and numbers with your preschooler, you snuggle up with them to watch a few episodes of Sesame Street (“today is brought to you by the letter L and the number 7”).

15. Using closed captioning with the sound off on a movie counts as reading.

16. Cuss words don’t bother you, but words like “stupid” and “shut up” make you fly into a rage.

17. You’re a minimalist because it means less crap to clean up.

18. You tell yourself you’re a free-range parent because it fosters independence, but really it’s because hovering is boring and it cuts into the time you have to read the latest Us Weekly.

19. Instead of organizing play dates, your kids bike around the neighborhood looking for someone to play with.

20. Your parenting mentors are ‘80s parents.

21. Instead of dressing your kids in matching Hanna Andersson clothes, you let them dress themselves and consider yourself lucky if they remembered underwear.

22. Gluten, sugar, and yellow #5 are staples in your kids’ diets.

23. You ignore the laundry and dirty dishes in favor of a nap.

24. You know what works for you and your family, and since worrying about the Joneses down the street and the Karens in your Facebook group zaps you of precious energy, you ignore them.

25. You live your best life by living your life, not anyone else’s.