Growing Up With Siblings 100% Affects How I Parent

I always wanted a big family. And not just for the chaos of family dinners and plenty of people to school in Super Nintendo, but because I grew up with siblings — and I knew for sure I wanted my own kids to have that joy. While I expected sibling secrets and for my kids to have a bond with each other that I would know nothing about, I wasn’t expecting my own experience with siblings to affect my parenting so much.

I was one of three, so I knew what to expect with three kids. Like that there will be times when the two oldest are closer and the little one feels left out. Sometimes, the middle feels like neither a big kid nor a little kid. Sometimes, the younger two will gang up on the older one, and sometimes, all three of them will find the perfect rhythm and play together for hours. The dynamics of three sometimes mean nobody really feels in charge because there are too many big siblings and too many little siblings, and chaos reigns.

But because I grew up with siblings, I know it’s nothing to worry about.

I can ignore screams and cries and fights. I know the difference between an “I’m telling!” and an OK-this-is-actually-dangerous tattletale.

I know that even if it feels like it to one sibling, the others’ actions usually aren’t that malicious.

I remember what it was like to act on impulse and to hurt my siblings’ feelings, but I also remember what it was like to feel shame and disappointment for acting that way. Hardly ever did our parents have to force us to apologize because we worked so much stuff out ourselves. Having siblings meant talking things through, telling each other how we felt without fear, sharing secrets and “Hey! I have an idea!” shouts.

I am a patient parent because I had siblings: a kinder parent, a more relaxed parent. I also feel less pressure to be a perfect parent. Because I know, as an adult who talks to her siblings often, that our kids are going to remember so much of the good and fun over anything else. And that the three of them being together and having this whole connection and bond outside of me, but because of me, is going to help them weather some incredibly tough moments in their lives. I was the first person my big sister told when she was pregnant — and then the first person who knew she was having a miscarriage. I’ve hugged my crying baby brother when he’s had his heart broken. Both of my siblings healed me through a broken, abusive marriage.

Knowing that my girls will have that bond, that experience of a group of relatives who love you unconditionally and know you inside and out, who can make eye contact with you across the room and say a million things in complete silence, is such a comfort.

It makes parenting easier when I know they have each other. It changes everything — our family vacations, our Friday night dinner picnics, our weeknight soccer practices — and makes it all feel like an adventure. There is less of me to go around, but sometimes that feels like a better scenario than giving my all to one kid all the time. My kids learn to be patient, problem-solve, and wait their turn; I learn to trust them, give them their independence, and let them have some freedom.

There will be times when I’m at war with one of my children: where I’ve hurt their feelings, where they’ve disobeyed, where we’re both angry with each other. And I know I’ll feel less guilt about it and be able to give them the space to figure it out because I can rely on their siblings to help ease us through it. Siblings who will tell them, “I told you Mom would react that way,” and siblings who will say, “Yeah, sometimes Mom’s a total pain in my ass, too.” Siblings who will just get it and will remind them they are never, ever alone with those feelings.

I’m so grateful for the person I’ve become, and I know that’s in huge part to my siblings. Knowing my kids have each other — that it’s not just my husband and I raising them, but our whole family of five — is the ultimate gift.

And hey, having an eldest daughter in the group is basically like having another parent. A major win.