This Stepmom Doesn’t Want To Be Left Alone With Her Stepkids On Husband’s Poker Nights

As a stepmom, there are fine lines when it comes to parenting a kid who is not biologically your own. It’s nuanced. It’s tricky. Every family dynamic is different, and sometimes, stepparents have a hard time getting into their groove and finding their place. You don’t want to overstep, but you don’t want to be totally detached.

One woman and stepmom is still working on this and turned to Reddit for some help, wondering if she’s in the wrong for expecting her husband to be at home with his biological kids when they are staying with her and her husband.

“My husband has two kids from his previous marriage. Both boys, 12 and 14. They are sweet kids, but they’re teenage boys…they’re wild, they tend to get into fights, they’re messy, and listening is not their best life skill at this stage of brain development. I do not have biological kids of my own. I met these kids when we started dating about 4 years ago, and we’ve all lived together for about 2.5 years,” she explained.

She and her husband have the kids 50% of the time. During the school year, on the days when they do not have the kids, the OP’s husband goes out to the bar to play poker.

“It’s a very long drive to the venue where he plays, so he stays with friends near our old house on those nights and doesn’t come home. Not my favorite arrangement, but I go out of my way to ensure he feels like he has autonomy to enjoy his hobbies (something he definitely didn’t have in marriage #1),” she explained.

Now, there’s a kink in their plan — the changes in the custody schedule due to summertime. They will now switch to one week on and one week off.

“It recently came out in conversation that he expected to still play in his poker game on Tuesday nights during the summer and that he was fully planning on staying with friends and not coming home those nights,” she wrote.

“It has always been our understanding and agreement that he would be home any night we have the boys here. When I brought this up, he told me he didn’t think it was a big deal to not be home one night a week and to expect me to handle everything on those nights.”

She continued, “I am super uncomfortable being here with them alone. They make me anxious, I hate when they fight, and I don’t think it’s my place as a stepparent to discipline them. If they were kids who just read books and sat in silence all night, I might feel differently—but there’s an always greater than 0% chance that someone is literally throwing punches, and I have no interest in being solely in charge of that situation.”

Furthermore, the OP is already the default parent when it comes to everything else including laundry, school pickup, scheduling, meals, and the primary caretaker anytime during school breaks (since she works from home).

“I have clearly communicated to my husband how I feel about being here alone with them, so he is aware,” she explained.

“Beyond how it impacts me, I don’t think it’s a great example for the kids, either. It’s not like my husband is on work trips—it’s like ‘hey dad would rather play poker than be here with you.’ I just feel like part of being a parent is you have to plan your life around kid stuff. My husband already has it easier than most because of the joint custody and the fact that I am happy to sacrifice some of the few days we would have alone for the two of us so that he can pursue this hobby.”

“So serve it to me straight—AITA here?! My husband is making me feel like I am, but I just feel like this is me making a reasonable ask and trying to set a very legitimate boundary.”

The top upvoted comment came from an adult who was a child of divorce growing up, noting that they remember their dad never being there while they visited, and wishing they could be anywhere else.

“Back when this was happening to my brother and I, there was no 50/50 custody, so maybe people just view it different now. But for us, if we would go to my dad's house for a weekend, and he wasn't available, we'd be wondering why the fuck we were there. To hang out with our stepmom who we didn't really get along with anyway? When we could have been home instead with our stuff and our friends,” they wrote.

The OP replied, “THANK YOU!! This is exactly my point to him! The kids never outright say it, but they’re always kind of like ‘oh so why are we here if our dad isn’t?!’ We have a fine relationship, but they don’t want to hang out with me, they want to spend time with him!”

Another wrote, “NTA How wonderful for your husband. He gets to continue with his interests and hobbies all year round. Because why not? He has YOU to take over HIS responsibilities and babysit HIS rambunctious preteen boys.

But seriously? He needs to take a break from his hobbies during the summer when his boys are there every other week. It’s not fair to leave that all up to you. And I hope that you have your own interests and hobbies so that you aren’t always at home which gives your husband the impression that you will always be available at his convenience.”

No, but for real, this OP needs to wake up! She’s pretty much letting this guy get off scot-free, gamble and stay out while she takes care of the house and his kids. She is doing way more than most, uprooted her life to make his easier and move closer to his kids, and yet, he still expects her to be the primary parent during his time with his own kids! He is clearly taking advantage of her and her kindness.

Read the full Reddit thread here.