The Problem With The Title 'Stay-At-Home Mom'

A funny thing happened when I took a career break to raise my kids: I struggled to answer that most ubiquitous question, “So, what do you do?” At first, I thought the question itself, posed by strangers at parties and school pickup lines, was challenging enough. But I soon discovered my rambling, self-conscious response was even worse.

In a culture that has conditioned us to define our worth and value by our roles outside of the home, suddenly, I found myself without a proper career title to summarize me. Instead, I was in this undefined space of focusing on raising children, while also feeling ambitious about my long-term career. So, the first time I was faced with the question, “What do you do?”, I panicked and word-vomited.

That first time, speaking to a chic New Yorker while holding onto a wiggly six-month-old, I may have given a dissertation on my ascension up the corporate ladder and the ins and outs of my decision to stay home with my children. Everyone, including myself, had lost interest by the time I was done. The obvious response would've been to say that I'm a "stay-at-home mom," but it didn't fit or represent my past, future, or even my day-to-day. In my previous role, I had developed a pithy response about running brand at a tech start-up that immediately conveyed creativity and leadership. Saying “stay-at-home mom” didn't feel like enough.

Gender study experts like Dr. Jodi Vandenberg-Daves, chair of the Department of Race, Gender, and Sexuality Studies at UW-La Crosse, told me the phrase SAHM is laden with outdated stereotypes left over from the feminist fight of the 1970s where women choosing to stay at home were deemed to be defending tradition versus their counterparts who were actively evolving and entering the workforce. Vandenberg-Daves also points to the advent of television, which cemented June Cleaver as the most common association with stay-at-home motherhood. Sociolinguists add that the phrase applies stagnancy in contrast to the action-oriented verb "working" mom. We don't need the black-and-white titles any longer because as our recent American Mothers on Pause survey shows, the reality is that most women are shifting from one to the other and many exist in-between, in what I call the “gray area.”

After months of workshopping my answer to the question, “What do you do?” I landed on one that let me feel more at ease, confident, and able to hold my own at a table of ambitious, modern, feminist women. I started to say, “Right now, I get to be with my kids. We’ll see what comes next!” It’s simple, succinct, and conveys the fluidity, gratitude, and potential I feel in this chapter. As things changed for me, I would add or replace that last part with; I'm freelancing, volunteering, exploring what comes next, or ultimately, working on a project alongside motherhood.

Here’s what I’ve learned, in all my years revising my reply as my roles both inside and outside the home evolved: As a mother, you are more than one thing. You are dynamic. This stage of life is complete and can lead you to where you're meant to be next. You deserve to believe that and say it out loud — and get credit for raising kids.

While my answer got crisp, I grew more confident. That started with a bit of therapy and a lot of rewiring my own sense of ambition, redefining it as the act of doing many things I care about over the long game of life. One by one, I dismantled the tropes about stay-at-home motherhood for myself and then with the community of women I've built at Mother Untitled.

Ultimately, my career pause would not be a career-ender. My day-do-day did not have to be monotonous and full of super-mom standards. I deserved help and support to unlock the potential in this chapter. I built a new network on playgrounds and sidelines, at school, volunteering and, yes, even on Instagram. At the same time, I added a portfolio of new experiences and skills from the day to day of parenthood — patience, time management, prioritization and efficient communication — to my prior work experience. And all that got me here, seven years from the day I first stepped back from my corporate job, and now I’ve written my first book, The Power Pause.

You know what's been odd? As I've been getting ready for the book launch this week, I've been working more outside the home. And I still wouldn't say, "I'm a working mom." I truly like my in-between fluid version; it fits me…for now. So now, when asked what I do, I say: I work on a platform about moms on career breaks and am preparing to launch a book. And we'll see what comes next.

Neha Ruch is the founder of Mother Untitled, the leading platform for ambitious women leaning into family life, which she founded in 2017. A thought leader, writer and speaker on parenting, women, work and identity, Neha worked for a decade in digital and brand strategy and earned an MBA from Stanford. Mother Untitled recently released part one of American Mothers on Pause, a proprietary study about modern stay-at-home mothers. Neha’s first book, The Power Pause, is out now.