How To Raise A Child Who Asks For Permission Instead Of Waiting To Be Told “No”
Turns out, you can get respect by showing it in return.
Before we actually welcome our little ones into our lives, a lot of us have very lofty ideas about how we’re going to raise them. No screens until they’re 18! No high-fructose corn syrup ever! Wooden toys only! French lessons at 3! Truly, no one is a better parent than someone who doesn’t have kids. Once they arrive, putting our ambitious plans into action is a bit harder. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be mindful about molding our children into thoughtful, respectful human beings. And sometimes, it’s not actually as hard as, say, making sure they only eat kale and quinoa.
TikTok creator Julie Wise recently shared some advice regarding one of her daughter Rose’s more adorable habits.
“You may have noticed that Rose will ask me for permission to do very random things,” she begins. “I’ll tell you why she does that and how I got her to do that. It’s very, very easy and it’s a very effective way for me to either reassure her or redirect her without her getting angry.”
We’re listening.
“The reason she does this is, throughout the day, I will randomly ask her for her permission to do something. For example, before I pick her up, I say, ‘Can I pick you up?’ And if she says no, I don’t make it a big deal because I don’t want her to make a big deal when I say no to her.”
So, want a hug? Ask permission. Want a bite of her food? Ask permission. The key, Wise says, is to make sure you’re picking sort of random things that aren’t of any real consequence. Of course you want a hug from your toddler, but if they say no it’s not a big deal — you’ll get one later. You’d never say, like, “May I place you into the lifeboat as this ocean liner sinks?” (That, you just kind of do and explain later.)
Another benefit of this technique? It allows toddlers to feel like they have control over their body and their time by teaching the basics of consent.
“So randomly throughout your day, find things that you are indifferent about ... [and] ask your toddler for permission,” Wise concludes. “I promise you: If you do this consistently, they will start asking you for permission and it will be a game changer.”
Commenters loved this idea, either in their own experience or as a premise, and were quick to say so.
“Model the behaviors you want to see!” encourages one.
“You mean treating her like a human with the ability to refuse consent?” jokes a second. “I seriously wish more adults did this but sadly they don’t see kids as human.”
“Kids copy you 100%,” a third agrees. “And they watch everything. I was a preschool teacher and I had all my 3 year olds thanking each other for saying please and sorry just because I thanked them individually for the same.”
Raising children isn’t easy... but some things aren’t actually as hard as we might think. And when it comes to behaviors we want to see in them, sometimes it’s just a matter of showing them how it’s done.
