Overheard On Reddit: Mom Determined To Stop Hugging Her Teen Son

I’ve counted myself lucky that, as a mom of a teenage boy, I still have a steady supply of hugs from my kid. My son is tremendously affectionate, and while I’ll always respect his need for space, so far he’s the same beloved little barnacle he’s always been. But it seems that not all mothers are so lucky... and it’s their own damn fault.

In a recent post on the Parenting subreddit, Reddit user Capital-Mark1897 (we’ll call them Mark from here on out), describes having breakfast at a dinner and overhearing two women in the booth behind them having a loud conversation. Mostly they talked about church and how they could be more supportive and present in their community. As far as overheard conversations go, this one sounds... kinda nice!

Then it took a turn.

“Toward the end of the conversation, they started talking about their children,” Mark continues. “And one woman said that even though her son enjoyed being hugged, now that he’s almost a teenager, she had actively stopped hugging him because she did not want him to get used to physical affection.”

I... I’m sorry I just hallucinated, I think.

“She said she’ll occasionally kiss him on the head at bedtime but that’s all,” the post continues. “Her friend seemed to understand and agree with her but they didn’t talk much more about that and we left soon after.”

Oh. Crap. I didn’t hallucinate. This is real. This is real and it’s horrible.

Mark was, like me (and I’m guessing you, too) so saddened by this conversation, but restrained themselves in saying something.

“Is this a new ‘strategy’ for raising boys?” they ask fellow Redditors. “Is it a church thing? I was heartbroken for that child. My son will be hugged even more now.”

Personally, I would be very surprised if this is “a church thing” generally — all the church people I know, and I know a lot — are very affectionate with their kids. But this does seem to comport with some extremely conservative churches’ ideas about gender segregation and masculinity. Many commenters pointed out that some cultures and “old school” relatives were very skimpy with physical affection, especially for boys or opposite gender children.

“Raised by a mom who was affectionate when I was a kid but her stoic German upbringing came out as I became an adolescent,” one commenter shares. “I remember going to the doctor as a teen and almost crying when the doctor touched me to take my pulse or check my glands or whatever. Even then I recognized that I was touch-starved but I didn't know how to articulate that without sounding either sexual or just plain cringe, especially to a teenager's ears.”

Of course this is a domino effect. Boys aren’t shown affection, so they don’t think they should want it, even if they crave it. They learn that the only “OK” affection or expression of emotion is romantic and/or sexual touch, putting tremendous pressure on the romantic and sexual relationships they have.

And we wonder why there’s a “male loneliness epidemic?”

So we agree? We ride at dawn to find this little boy and go give him all the mom hugs he could ever want or need? Great. See you there.