Mom Wants To Know If She Should Stay Single For Her Children
A Redditor recently put herself out there after being single for five years & her children have opinions.
Dating at any stage in life is difficult, but for single moms, it can be particularly tricky. It’s hard enough to find the time to get out of the house, to say nothing of actually making sure your kids and new partner down the road if the date goes well. And kids, understandably, might not be thrilled with the idea of mom or dad finding a new partner.
Redditor Junior_Tax_9129 (we’ll call her Junior) took to r/Parenting recently to ask about this very issue writing, “Should I stay single if that’s what my 10 year old wants?”
Junior explains that she’s a 31-year-old mom of two, a 10 year old and a 6 year old, and has been single for the past five years. Her children’s father left and signed away his parental rights so all childcare falls to her.
“I have recently had to urge to date and get back out there so my kids can maybe see what it looks like for their mom to be loved and they can have some type of father figure,” she explains.
After a few mediocre dates that didn’t lead anywhere serious, she began seeing someone who really sparked her interest. After some meetups and six months of talking, she brought him up to her kids, and her 10-year-old asked to meet him.
“It went great!” Junior reports. The kids and her new beau got along great... but a few months later her 10 year old changed her tune. She decided she didn’t like him after their one meeting and handful of phone calls. “She says she wants me to be single forever because if I was a good mom then I wouldn’t need anyone else besides my kids to make me happy.”
Ouch!
Junior continues, “She’s telling me I’m hiding things from her. She’s screaming at me and gets extremely upset if I try to talk to her about wanting to move on with my life. I’m at a complete loss.”
All this is made even more complicated by the fact that Junior’s 6 year old says he wants to see more of this boyfriend. And so, after almost a year of building a connection, Junior is left feeling helpless and confused. “We get along so well and he’s so understanding that kids take time ... I don’t have friends, I’ve literally just been raising my kids alone for the past five years. I’m tired of being lonely but will I lose my 10 year old if I continue trying to date someone?”
The comments section was lively, and full of good advice in a complicated situation.
“It seems like the 10 year old is exerting anger which might indicate that she is worried she might lose you,” writes one Redditor. “Approach this again to show her she’s always #1. ... Show her you are the adult and you get to make the decision. But also be respectful of her thoughts and always show her she comes first.”
“Should you take your child's feelings into account and be patient with her?” another observes. “Absolutely. Does she have a right to be upset? Sure. From what you've said, it's been just the three of you for a long time, and introducing someone else is scary. However, the issue here isn't you, and your desire to be happy and loved is valid. What your child needs is therapy, and to have it explained to her that she will always be your #1 priority, but that you deserve to have this. Keep things at a slow pace like you have been until she realizes you're telling her the truth and that you still love her just as much as you ever did. It sounds like she's feeling insecure and scared, and giving in to those feelings will only give them power.”
It can be really hard for our children to see us as individuals outside of our relationships with them. Honestly, as a mom it can sometimes be hard to imagine ourselves outside of the context of our children as well. But having lives of our own is both important and necessary — for ourselves and our children. Because the more of ourselves we can bring to the table, the more we have to offer them in the long run.
