Dear Not Your Daughter’s Jeans

Mr. George Rudes

Chief Executive Officer Not Your Daughter’s Jeans 9856 North Solo Street Los Angeles, CA 90006

Dear Mr. Rudes,

I’ve been looking for new jeans because I recently lost 15 lbs. Starving and cranky, I came across an ad for your company, Not Your Daughter’s Jeans, which specializes in denim for women over 40. I am 45 and admittedly lack any type of degree in psychology, marketing, or even women’s studies; however, I can tell you, without a doubt, that women do not want to be reminded that they cannot fit into their daughter’s jeans! Why do you have to rub it in?

· We don’t want our daughters’ tiny boobs.

· We don’t want our daughters’ scoliosis braces.

· We don’t want our daughters’ creepy band directors.

· We don’t want our daughters’ black liquid eyeliner.

· We don’t want our daughters’ minimum wage job at Taco Town.

BUT…and I tell you this with authority, as I have an over-40, dimpled butt of my own, we want to wear our daughters’ jeans! Or, at least we want people to think we are wearing our daughters’ jeans, not some crease-down-the-middle-waist-up-to-our-armpits-60%-Lycra-sh*t. (Did I mention I was starving and cranky?) In fact, if I was wearing Not Your Daughter’s Jeans and a friend asked, “Hey girl, what kind of jeans are you wearin’?” I would not announce, “Well, let me tell you, they are Not My Daughter’s Jeans!”

At 45, I want jeans that scream: “Yeah, bitch, I bought ‘em in the junior department and they fit fine. F-I-N-E, fine!” I want jeans a man can unbutton with his mouth, not the Jaws of Life. I want jeans that have room for a guy to put his hand in my back pocket. Not itsy-bitsy-teeny-tiny-back pockets with room for just the sitter’s number and an Oil of Olay coupon.

I don’t know how old you are, but here’s a news flash, Mr.Rudes: Women over 40 still feel young and sexy. On Lucky Brand jeans, a tag is sewn into the fly that reads: “Lucky You” – a perfect message for the unzipperer (yep, when I’m cranky, I make up words.) Let me guess, the tag on Not Your Daughter’s Jeans says: “Dry clean only. Hang on pink satin padded hanger. Cover in plastic and store at an average room temperature of 72 degrees.”

It’s an interesting detail that your company tucks a note into every pair of Not Your Daughter’s Jeans that boasts: “NYDJ cannot be held responsible for any positive consequence that may arise due to your fabulous appearance when wearing the Tummy Tuck jeans. You can thank me later.” I think you’ve got a blue suede screw loose. What positive consequences could possibly occur when wearing mom jeans with so much Lycra they double as support hose? Hmmm…

· Getting asked out by the retired guy who bags my groceries?

· Having a Walgreen’s employee ask, “Can I help you find the incontinence section?”

· Mistakenly being offered the senior citizen discount at the movie theater?

· Wearing them for days since no one is interested in ripping them off me?

Mr. Jean Queen, I know it’s too late for you to rename your company, but did you consider Hot at Forty Jeans, MILF Jeans, or even Not Your Mom’s Jeans? I mean if you owned a company that specialized in denim for men over 40, would you name the jeans, My Fat Pants or Not Even Close to What I Used to Be? Or in order to showcase all that Lycra lift, would you have considered Rise and Shiners?

I didn’t think so.

Sincerely,

Liesl Testwuide