Dear Other Moms: Why Aren't You Talking To Me?

They say you can’t miss something you never had, but it seems that many a modern-mom longs for “The Village,” an imagined community of friends, family, and neighbors who look out for one another and build lasting bonds for a communal sense of well-being. We imagine bygone days of gathering together to do chores and watch babies together, or swapping childcare services with one another so that we can all have time for ourselves knowing our little ones are being lovingly cared for. And so TikTok user Alexa (@alexamariebrownie) wants to know: why aren’t we doing the bare minimum to achieve that Utopia...?

“I just want to know why some moms ignore other moms,” she begins. “There are a few moms in my community that I’m like ‘our kids go to the same preschool’ ... we go to the same church, I’ve been in groups with them and, like, not even a ‘hi’ or a look. Like, I know they see me!

“We really do need that community and I know sometimes I get overstimulated and it’s really, really hard, but ... why can’t you say hi? A little quick wave is all I’m looking for. ... It makes motherhood feel very isolating, when other moms don’t interact with the moms that are actually in your community. This is a mom that could be my person! ... I’m looking to build my village and sometimes that’s really really hard when other people are just totally OK and they’re in their zone and I don’t want to say it’s selfish because I have no idea what that mom is going through. ... I’m not trying to judge the other mom, but I think moms can make it harder on ourselves because we do tend to isolate ourselves sometimes, too.”

I’ll be honest: normally when I see messages like this on TikTok the comments section is filled with folks commiserating with the creator’s message. That simply wasn’t the case here. Rather, the comments were full of moms explaining why they didn’t care to socialize with their children’s friends’ parents.

“I simply do not have time for another person in my life,” reads one comment. “I barely have time for the friends I do have. I don’t want to make a connection that I can’t maintain.”

“We are overstimulated and can’t take on any more of anything,” another added.

Introversion and social anxiety were also common refrains among many who chimed in.

But not everyone was justifying their less than social behavior. Some agreed with Alexa.

“The comments are so sad,” one lamented. “I may not want another best friend but I will still say hi, be kind, ask about your day, and make you feel seen!”

Many others noted that they might be too shy to say hello or too overwhelmed to strike up a new friendship, but reassured Alexa and other would-be social butterflies that they’re open to an exchange even if they’re not too likely to start one.

“Us introverts be like that,” one confessed laughingly. “I'm socially awkward and if I'm in public I'm probably overstimulated, but if you come talk to me I will be polite.”

Personally, I get all sides to this. On the one hand: between kids, jobs, family obligations, existing friendships, and the desire for some kind of alone time, our “To manage” list is already pretty long. Additionally, outside of urban centers most people are isolated in their single-family houses and cars a lot of the time, which perpetuates isolation. And yet we are in a community whether we engage or not, and how much easier could a lot of our lives be to have someone to move through the hard parts (and the fun parts) together.

So maybe take this as a sign to go outside of your comfort zone a little bit and engage with another mom at parent pick-up. We’re not saying it’s going to change your life or theirs for the better, but you really never know where a simple “hi, how are you” can lead...