A Mom Has The Smartest Response To A Woman Who Won’t Let Her Son Play With Makeup
“If you do some reflection as a woman, limited gender norms have not worked for you, either.”
Over the past decade or so, the phrase “Boys will be boys” has finally gotten the reckoning it’s always deserved. No, boys will not be unaccountable little hobgoblins who let other people deal with the consequences of their actions. Boys will be respectful and compassionate humans. But maybe it’s time we took yet another look at the idea of “boys will be boys.” How many parents believe that to be true because they’ve — consciously or not — only raised their boys to fit a very narrow definition of boyhood. In a recent video, TikTok creator Payal (@payalforstyle) breaks down the benefits of raising boys outside of traditional gender norms and expectations.
The TikTok begins with a stitch from another creator expressing casually determined disdain over the idea that her sons would want to try out her makeup. Even though Payal strongly disagrees with this take, and even finds it somewhat offensive, she opts to take a calm and composed approach to explain why she feels that way...
“When you let your son play with or be curious about makeup or nail polish,” she says, “I see three main outcomes.”
#1 Dismantle gender norms that are limiting
“If you do some reflection as a woman, those have not worked for you, either,” she points out.
“Telling boys they can’t do girl things plants a seed that girl things are bad or stupid, worthless, less than,” she continues. “Misogyny is perpetuated.”
#2 Build trust by showing unconditional love
“He’ll get the message that he can be open and authentic with you, " Payal explains. “[That] he’s loved for who he is and what he’s interested in. Down the line it might not be makeup. It might be something else that he’s struggling to figure out about himself.”
This can include his gender or sexuality, but it’s certainly not limited to that. In fact, statistically, he’s going to be a straight, cisgender person. Most folks are! But he’s also statistically going to encounter something about himself that makes him feel different: whether he feels like he can count on you to love him despite that difference can be reinforced by showing him you don’t judge someone for existing outside of norms, including gender norms.
“He’ll know that your love and support of him isn’t conditional upon any of that,” says Payal. “I don’t know about you, but communicating that is my main goal as a parent.
#3 Build iron-clad confidence
“I’m never going to forget the eighth grade boy who wore a dress to school when I was teaching a couple of years ago,” she recalls. “He walked in with so much confidence that not a single kid in the room had the audacity to even look in his direction too long and definitely not make a comment. Bullies prey on weakness, never on confidence.
“Raising a confident kid is mindful work. Raising a bully is also mindful work.”
Bonus: #4 He will be more willing to accept others
If he was a boy interested in makeup at some point, he’s not going to be weirded out, confused, or judgmental about another man or boy wearing makeup, Payal points out.
“He won’t be so quick to judge or become a bully himself.”
He’s also had you, the parent, modeling that behavior, which is how our kids learn how to move through the world: by watching us.
So perhaps we should be very mindful about what they’re learning when they watch us. So that they know that “boys will be boys” can mean whatever they want it to.
