Dear Husband: Here Are The Only Things I Want For My Birthday

1. Time away from the children. Yes I love my kids. Yes, they know it’s my birthday and yes, I do want to receive their crayoned cards that only a mother could love. But after that initial card-giving breakfast, SEE YA! I’m outtie. Check ya later. Insert other 90’s slang here, mofo.

2. A gift that indicates you know who I am as a person and find me unique, adorable, and delightful. What’s that, you think this is “a trap”? How about you look at my Amazon wishlist or Etsy favorites? Is that TOO OPAQUE FOR YOU, Inspector Gadget?

3. Dinner out without the kids. You get the sitter. You. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. What was that? No I did not get the sitter! Jesus Christ.

4. A card that you write in. Yourself, in your handwriting. It should talk about how awesome I am. If you want to bring up how you would be lost without me and how you knew you wanted to marry me from the moment we met, that’s up to you. Meaning, include one of those two phrases.

5. An entire day of love and doing everything I ask. If this is talking over dinner about the intricacies of The Bachelor, so be it. If I want you to clean out the garage, avail yourself of the cleaning supplies. Do NOT ask me where they are. That ruins it.

Here’s the fine print: I am not supposed to be aware of you doing any of these things. Get off my computer and don’t ask my Etsy log in. Write the card at work. You’re smart. Figure it out.