A Woman Wonders How To Approach A Neighbor With A Crying Baby

As a new parent living in an apartment building, I was always terrified that one day I would get The Knock. IYKYK. If you don’t know, it’s the fear that a neighbor is going to come over and complain that your baby is too loud. It’s a risk of living in close quarters and, sadly, it’s a situation no one can really do much about. So when I saw a recent post on Reddit’s “Am I The Assh*le” forum — “AITA if I knock on a neighbor's door? (Screaming newborn) — I felt that familiar rush of adrenaline. Fortunately, that panicked mix of shame and indignation was quickly replaced with a heartened sense of relief.

“AITA if I go to youngish (mid-20s) neighbors and offer to help with their newborn?” wrote u/BlacksheepNZ1982.

Well. That was not what I was expecting!

Blacksheep goes on to explain that she doesn’t know the couple well, but that they’ve lived next door for the past few years. Moreover, they explain, the baby came early and the mother was in the hospital for a few weeks.

“I can hear baby screaming all hours of the day and night,” they continued. “How do I offer help without sounding condescending? Can I just ask them if they need a break? Don’t want it to end badly in any way if I don’t offer. Family is there often but I’m heartbroken for them that it doesn’t sound like an easy time for them. I don’t care about babies screaming; if I don’t have a window open I can’t hear it. AITA for imposing? Should I just let them do it themselves?”

Overwhelmingly, people encouraged Blacksheep to follow their instinct to go be helpful, though many warned (postpartum hormones being what they are) to proceed with sensitivity and delicacy.

“It would be quite easy for it to come across as though you don’t think they are coping as parents and that can really upset some new parents if it makes them feel criticized/inadequate. Especially mums with all the hormones!” wrote one. “Might be best to pop over for another reason and then say in passing that you can help out, rather than going over specifically for that reason.”

Many suggested stopping by to ask about something unrelated (“I’m running to the store: do you need anything?”), or bringing food along with the offer. Others thought a note might go over a little better (you never know when a knocked door will interrupt a nap).

Some folks offered their own experiences in similar situations.

“My mom still tells the story about one of her friends who rang their neighbours door and went ‘Take. Her,’” recalls one redditor. “She tells it to normalize needing help, and asking for it. Letting your neighbors know you are available will already be supportive.”

“My mom loves to tell the story of how her neighbor kept her sane when I was an incredibly colicky baby,” says another. “Basically the woman next door with two young kids and very little English knocked on her door and essentially told my mom to give the baby to her, and for my mom to go on a walk. Forty years later and half a world away, they're still friends.”

(We’ll admit: that one got us a little teary.)

After getting some very lovely advice, Blacksheep edited the post to share their plan: “I will offer to walk the dog with mine and to get groceries when I go, either in person if I see them at a good time or in a card with my number. Then I will ask how it’s going, say that that my newborn stages were tough and that I am here for a coffee/walk/supervise while she has a shower - whatever she needs.”

Too often, new parents don’t get the community they need when they’re in the trenches of the newborn stage. It’s so nice to see some neighbors really stepping up to be that support system.