Move Over Summer Olympics: Introducing The Mom Olympics

I love the Summer Olympics. The athletes impress me; the level of hard work and dedication is inspiring. Plus, I get to go to bed and dream of my mom crush, Kerri Walsh Jennings. Oh, is that just me? You don’t know who Kerri Walsh Jennings is?! She is that tall drink of water who crushes the women’s beach volleyball world.

Jennings has also somehow managed to crush motherhood — having babies in between her last few Olympic competitions — and still train and compete well enough to bring home the gold. Actually, she was five weeks pregnant when she won the gold in the London games. Seriously? I was puking in the bushes and crying while watching Lifetime in my first trimester, not making our entire country proud. Impressive is an understatement.

The Olympics represent the world coming together, and I dig that. They inspire our youth and unite our country as a team. I started thinking the other day about which Olympic events I was excited to see. During this thought process, my kids were yelling at me with their loud irrational toddler demands, so inevitably I started thinking about all my glorious accomplishments in motherhood — things I somehow make happen every day.

You may think that letting go of the uneven bars and knowing exactly how many times to flip and landing precisely on your feet is talent, and it is. But I’ll also have you know my toddler took his diaper off and crapped on my floor yesterday, and I dove to grab it and in doing so beat him out of stepping in it and my dog eating it. My reaction time was downright Olympic level.

So what if there was a Mom Olympics? A Molympics? What if the champions of multitasking went head-to-head? Olympians have to dig deep within themselves to persevere through hard work and intense training. Moms have to pretend to be socially functioning adults even when someone screamed in their face all night and puked down their shirt. Same training right?

#Molympics it is!

Get your game faces on, boys.

We are headed to the Molympics.

The Baby Throw

An event as old as time — toss that baby up as high as he can go.

400-Meter Horse Ride

My jockey is very demanding that I go as fast as possible.

The Airplane Routine

This event is all about concentration and balance. This team practices day in and day out, yet sometimes even they don’t stick the landing.

The Diaper Wrestle

A full-body event, competitors typically use their feet and forearms to pin down their wiggly opponents.

The 1-Mile Drag

This is really the highlight of the Summer Games. This event takes place when you try to make your children go inside — and they know it’s because they’re heading in for nap time. This event is grueling both physically and mentally. It’s not an event for the faint of heart — people have been known to bite.

The 800-Meter Stroller

This is the bobsledding of the Summer Olympics. I often yell “Cool Runnings!” as we bang a left.

The Maximum Grocery Store Bag Carry

Bring in all the groceries at once or die trying.

The 100-Meter Laundry Lug

The amount of laundry a mom will carry up the stairs at once to avoid prolonging the never-ending laundry task any further is downright Greek God status.

The Potty Training Hurdles

The words “I have to go potty” are your gunfire. There’s no staircase you can’t hurdle, no laundry basket you can’t jump over to get your friend to the potty in time.

The Toy Cleanup Javelin Toss

This event is all about precision. It doesn’t even have to be about speed. It’s all about not having to walk over to the toy chest for the thousandth time that day. Throwing toys across the room while cleaning, and hoping they land in the toy chest, is really a mom specialty.

The Bounce House Kegel Extreme

This event is quite simple: You have to jump in a bouncy house with your children and see how long you can go without peeing your pants. It is the shortest event in the Molympics.

The Wine Chug

The wine chug is a classic mom event. Moms everywhere have perfected chugging or at least taking giant gulps of wine. Why, you ask? Quite simply, once you put the glass down you will most likely never get a chance to take another sip.

Britt, you just won straight gold medals in the Molympics! What are you doing to do now?

I’m going to Disney World!

No wait…that’s not right. Oh, yeah, I’m going to do everyone’s laundry, pull dirty milk cups out from underneath the couch, and vacuum up 10 pounds of dog hair! That’s what I’m going to do!

What’s your #Molympic event?