Confessions Of A Lazy-A** Parent

I have a confession. I’m a relatively lazy person. I’m at my happiest with a book and a cozy place to read while my kids play outside without any intervention or butt-wiping from me. Just a few days ago, this exact thing happened. It was like my own personal Shangri-La for five whole minutes. And then of course my son got out the hose and thought it would be great to spray his sister right in the face. And, well, that girl does not take shit from anyone and tackled him to the ground. There was screaming and bloodshed and tears.

Despite that kind of crazy, I would take all of it over going anyplace at any time — finding parking, schlepping crabby and sweaty kids, fighting crowds. I would rather be at home with my own circus than actually go to a circus.

Here are some other reasons why I love, love, love just hanging out with my family on lazy days:

No Expectations

At home, I don’t expect them not to pick their boogers, and they don’t expect me to get out of my pajamas. It’s a win-win.

Baking

When I can let go of any sense of wanting to control the situation (and accept that the kitchen will become the place of my nightmares), baking with kids and getting to eat fresh banana bread doesn’t suck.

No Crowds

I once went to Disneyland on the busiest day of the year. Bad planning aside, everyone acted like they were having fun, but it wasn’t really that fun, and my husband got pickpocketed, and the lines were crazy, and at one point we were stuck in an actual human traffic jam. We will never do that again.

Chance to Recharge

My children do better in the outside world when they get a chance to chill out at home every once in a while. And so do I. They are so used to getting shuttled all over the place to so many different activities throughout the year that they need those moments where it’s just us and some watermelon and an epic seed-spitting contest.

Comfy Clothes

The kids often take the “no clothes” approach, but that is just one more argument that I don’t have to win that day.

Naps Happen

Naps = children who make life less like a mosh pit and more like a tolerable carnival ride

Better Food

There is a special place in hell for the person who invented funnel cakes.

Less Needed From Me

At home, I am able to let nature take its course a little more. If they fight, they often have to figure it out. If they can’t figure out what to play, they don’t ask me because I’ll find something for them to do, and they definitely don’t want to pull weeds. If they bleed, they know where the Band-Aids are.

Happier Kids

Do your kids hum? I have started to notice something about my 9-year-old; he hums when he’s content. He hums when he’s building with Legos, or thinking of the ultimate fort construction, or practicing with his bow and arrow, or drawing. He doesn’t hum at the mall.

Happier Parents

Did I mention I enjoy wearing my pajamas?

Breathing Room

Things were going downhill a few weeks ago. You know those moments — when all of your kids start nit-picking and saying things like, “It’s not fair!” and “She got more!” and you start to question your ability to be a good grown-up.

All I said was, “How many different birds can you guys hear?” They paused in the middle of their argument. They were quiet for two minutes. The whole thing shifted. I may have given myself a mental high-five.

The ‘Stuff’ Isn’t There

Are your kids more excited about the animals at the zoo or the gift shop after the zoo? We go to the zoo about once a year so the gift shop is, unfortunately, part of the whole thing for us. Kids are definitely not at their best with the anticipation of “stuff.”

Popcorn and Movies

For practically free.

So, here’s to you other lazy-ass parents. I think our kids will turn out all right even if they do go out into the world believing that pants are an optional clothing item.