The 10 Different Types Of Parent Wake Ups

From the minute you become a parent, waking up is never the same … at least for a long while. Once upon a time, it was a matter of setting the alarm and waking up. Pretty much one type of wake up. Standard. Being a parent brings with it a ridiculous 10 different types of wake ups (that I can factor anyway – perhaps you have more?), each bringing with it different chances of grumpy fuckness in the morning. And so, without further ado, I give you my 10 different types of parent wake ups (warning: frequent – but given the subject, probably not surprising – overuse of the word fuck):

1. THE WHAT THE FUCK TIME IS THIS?! WAKE UP

The dulcet tones of crying stir you from your sleep. It’s pitch black. You blearily fumble for the time. Holy fuck, it’s 3 a.m. You lie in silence as you try to work out your next move – ignore? hope it goes away? or do the right thing?

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 7/10

2. THE BUGGER I WOKE UP BEFORE THEY DID WAKE UP

You slowly slide into consciousness. It’s light. But there’s no noise. No screaming. Not a peep. You wonder whether they slept late. Could it be? You suspiciously fumble for the time. A cruel trick. You are wide awake at 5.30 a.m. while everyone else is still asleep. At least it means you can have a shit in peace.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 2/10

3. THE OMG I WOKE UP AND THEY ARE STILL ASLEEP! WAKE UP

You wake up, you feel fresh as a daisy, but it sounds like someone turned the mute button on. You hear cars leaving for work outside. What is this folly? Fuck me, you’ve hit the jackpot! It’s 7 a.m. and they are still asleep. Next thought: Oh God, are they still alive? No chance of enjoying the lie-in now that you spend these precious moments angsting over whether they are still breathing. All chances of enjoying this rare state of affairs are now down the drain.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 1/10

4. THE FUCK THEY ARE STILL NOT AWAKE!! WAKE UP

This one usually coincides with classic sod’s law events, such as road trips for which you have to leave early or important early appointments. You practically stand guard outside their door checking your watch every second because yeah right, a watched kettle never boils you dummy. Oh life can be so cruel sometimes.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 2/10

5. THE OH I WOKE UP AND THEY’VE JUST WOKEN UP WAKE UP

Said nobody, ever.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 0/10. Because it never happens you fool!

6. THE SHHHHHH IT’S “THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT” WAKE UP

It’s 5 a.m. They are howling. You know they are not going back to sleep. They know they are not going back to sleep. Technically speaking, 5 a.m. is still the middle of the night, so you slink off and try to play that card, even though the light has still managed to find a a way of winding its way round the black out blind, totally exposing your “middle of the night” lie, which finally keels over and dies as a lone bird starts tweeting outside the window. Worth a shot if it gives you another half hour in bed.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 7/10

7. THE WHAT THE FUCK I ONLY JUST GOT BACK TO SLEEP! WAKE UP

Commonly associated with teething, sleep regressions and night feeds. You have just managed to wind your brain back down two hours after they last got up and OH FUCK FUCK FUCK are you kidding me?

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 9/10

8. THE OMG MY BREAST IS LEAKING! WAKE UP (Just for moms)

You’re dreaming that your swimming in the ocean, the waves lapping, the sun shining down on you … except you begin to realize in your dream state that it is not the ocean, but in fact a big patch of leaking milk which you are floundering around in. Not fun.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 5/10

9. THE WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SOUND?! WAKE UP

Otherwise known as the “Phantom Cry” … you awaken startled … what, why could they be crying? Oh hang on, that’s not them – it’s a fox / drunk person / siren / insert other possibilities here. Pissed off to the max.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 7/10

10. THE IT WASN’T THE BABY/TODDLER WAKE UP

As if you don’t have enough sleep problems, you also have to deal with snoring, starfishing, itching, coughing, and duvet stealing from someone else who shall not be named … come on now, will somebody please give us parents a break?

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 9/10

Kiss the days of lying in bed goodbye, folks. Your chances of being a grumpy fuck most mornings are looking pretty high from where I’m standing.