Confessions Of A Former Sanctimommy

Are you a sanctimonious know-it-all bitch? Do you look down your nose at the decisions other people make with regards to their children? Then you’re in the right place. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

I used to be just like you. When it came to parenting, I thought I had all the answers, and I would hand those little answers out like candy on Halloween. You want to know what the big difference was between Halloween and my parenting advice? On Halloween, you ask for candy. You head to the door of a neighbor’s house wearing your best Princess Leia costume and you say, “Trick or Treat.” When it came to me, doling out my parenting expertise … no one asked for it. That is what made me a Sanctimommy. That is what makes you a Sanctimommy. Unsolicited advice. So the first step to conversion into a normal, empathetic person and friend is to shut your pie-hole unless someone asks your opinion.

I know, easier said than done.

We all know you have this whole “parenting thing” on lock. You’ve told us a million times. I’m sure you think you’re being a good friend or mentor by sharing the pearls of wisdom you’ve acquired with the rest of us, but seriously, honey, it’s not nuclear fission we’re talking about here. There isn’t a correct way to do everything, for every kid. No … just stop. There isn’t.

Do I have to give you the whole “people are snowflakes” talk again? Really? OK, here it goes … people are like snowflakes, each and every one of them different and special. We all have different shapes and sizes that we come in, with different wants and needs. The way you handle your perfect kid might not work for the way I handle mine. I know your way is right, I know it, but what you don’t seem to realize is that it might not be right FOR EVERYONE ELSE and when you finally realize that, when that cartoon light bulb above your brain activates, that is when you will shed your Santicmommy skin and become mortal. Just a mommy. A flawed but desperately trying Mom.

The birth of my second child was my light bulb. He is the polar opposite of his brother. When he took his first breath was when I realized that there was no correct system for every single person. Now, don’t get me wrong; of course I still have opinions about parenting, strong and loud opinions. Keeping them to myself isn’t always easy, I’ll admit that, but when it comes to chucking that shit to strangers on the Internet, I put my hands in my pockets and walk away.

That’s what you should do, girlfriend. Hands to yourself. Don’t type anything. Just go and live your perfect life, with your perfect family, and write down all the answers you obviously have, as a memoir, a how-to-parent book if you will. Then you can give it to your future daughter-in-law at her baby shower … I’m sure she’ll appreciate the parenting advice. Wouldn’t you have loved to get a book like that from the mother of your baby daddy? No?

Now do you get it? Has it sunk in now?

Thought so.