Giving Birth In The Ocean Using Dolphins As Midwives Is The Worst Birth Plan, Ever

A Hawaiian couple who can’t be bothered with things like hospitals and doctors has decided to give birth in the wild amongst dolphins, like nature intended. Um, wait…

Dorina Rosin and husband Maika Suneagle have decided on a water birth, but not just any water birth will do. Instead of a birthing pool, they’d like to use the Pacific Ocean, thankyouverymuch – and instead of a doctor, they’d like the birth to be attended by dolphins. The UK’s new show “Extraordinary Births” unearthed this couple, and I am so sad this show isn’t airing here. The couple spoke to the show’s host Katie Piper about their plans to have a “dolphin assisted birth.” How exactly does one plan for that? Are dolphins super-reliable about schedules and such?

Rosin and her husband run a spiritual healing sanctuary, of course. On her blog, Rosin says she got a chance to learn from wild and free dolphins and humpback whales in 2011 and 2014. She says they “transformed and healed” her in a very big way. She now believes dolphins have blessed her pregnancy and that her daughter will have a better chance of speaking “dolphin” if she is born amongst them in the wild. An eventual Spanish-immersion language program would probably be more useful than “dolphin speak” but what do I know?

In all seriousness, experts warn against giving birth amongst wild animals. Flipper and that random Sea World dolphin show we’ve been to may have given us the impression that dolphins are super-fun, friendly animals – but their habits in nature may shock you. They are actually prone to acts of violence. Really. Read this excerpt from Discover Magazine:

“Dolphins will toss, beat, and kill small porpoises or baby sharks for no apparent reason other than they enjoy it, though some have suggested the poor porpoises serve as practice for killing the infants of rival males. That’s right, not only do dolphins kill other animals, they kill baby dolphins using the same brutal tactics. No matter how cute they might appear, dolphins are not cuddly companions; they are real, large, ocean predators with a track record for violence — even when it comes to humans.”

Wow. Does this sound like an animal you want by your side after you’ve given birth? Frankly, I don’t even want my cat by my side after giving birth.

Apart from the fact that they are wild animals – what the hell makes this woman think they want to be involved in her birth to the point where she calling them her midwives? Not to mention the various other reasons why giving birth in the middle of the ocean is a terrible idea: sharks, sharks, sharks, and sharks.

Just stop, lady. Seriously. This is too much.