What Sports Moms Are Really Thinking

I spend roughly one-third of my life sleeping, one-third of my life thinking about what I should make for dinner, and the remaining third of my life at youth sports events cheering on my kids in their latest soccer/basketball/lacrosse/football game. All of that time on the sidelines gives me the opportunity for some deep philosophical thinking—soul searching, even. Oh, and time to devour a pack of Sour Patch Kids, because where else can you do that as an adult and not have people think you’re a weirdo?

I truly enjoy watching my kids compete/sit on the bench in youth sports, but let’s be honest, when you’re at your 1,038^th game of the year, it’s tough to stay focused on the game 100% of the time, which might explain why my thoughts go a little like this:

Why are we always on the farthest flippin’ field from the parking lot?

I can’t believe I forgot to bring a blanket again. Oh wait, it’s in the car. But the dog threw up on it. Should I get it anyway? Ew, no. Well, only if it gets really cold.

This chair is really uncomfortable.

Why do I always grab the broken chair? I will never be able to get out of this chair. I guess I’ll just sit here until everyone else leaves before I try to get out of this chair. I’m pretty sure my ass is sagging onto the ground. My knees are actually touching my chin. Just smile. Nobody can tell.

How old are the players on the other team?

They are huge. That kid is definitely not 10. Does he have a mustache? He looks old enough to drive himself here. And buy beer on the way home. That was funny. I’m so funny. I could go for a beer. I don’t even drink beer.

I love this sport.

Do I have cankles?

Am I the only person who still wears capris? I need to go shopping. Nobody looks good in capris. Actually, that mom looks good in capris. I bet she does pilates, or barre.

I wonder if there is a bar near here.

How many minutes did my son play?

Three? I should get an app to track playing time. I never use apps. Mmm…apps…I could go for an app, like buffalo chicken dip, or edamame, not edamame. They’re just trendy lima beans.

Was that a rain drop?

I think that was rain. I hope that was rain.

Wow, that guy is loud.

What a jerk. Oh wait, that’s my husband. He’s not a jerk. I must be tired.

Is that a bee? Is that a bee?!

I can’t get out of my chair! IS THAT A BEE?!

It’s too chilly for spring.

I wish I had a blanket. I need to wash that blanket. I need to do laundry. I need to empty the dishwasher. I need to clean out our closets. I need to go through that stack of papers on the kitchen table. We need a new kitchen table. We need a new kitchen. We should move.

Is that my son out there?

What number is he again? Why is that other kid always playing? Ah, coach’s son. He’s terrible. But he just scored. Ball-hog.

Wow, I definitely missed a spot shaving,

like my entire left leg, and my right.

Uh-oh, she’s walking over here to talk to me.

I can’t remember her name. Whatshername-whatshername…whatshername?! Look straight ahead. Look straight ahead.

I like her hair.

I hate my hair.

I definitely felt rain.

What should I make for dinner?

I hate making dinner. Do we need to eat dinner?

I need to go to the bathroom.

It’s a long walk to the bathroom. Those bathrooms are pretty gross. There’s never any toilet paper, or hand towels. And why are there always spiders? I can hold it. I’m trapped in this chair anyway. I can’t feel my legs.

I can’t believe I forgot my fleece/hoodie/raincoat again.

Go blue!

Am I yelling too loud? That was kind of loud. I sounded like Rosie O’Donnell, or Roseanne Barr.

Is there a bar near here?

What number is my son?

Do I have to make dinner?

How many times have we had pizza this week? We can have pizza again. Pizza really isn’t that bad. It’s healthier than a lot of things… like… …fried chicken or crack.

Did my child just score?

Damn, I missed it. I’ll tell him I saw it. Great job, honey! Oops, don’t say “honey.” Dude? Don’t say dude.

What inning is it?

What quarter is it? What period is it? What day is it? That didn’t look like a foul. Is that rain? I think I felt rain. I hope that was rain.

Did we need to drive two hours to play this team?

I hate this sport.

I could go for a bite of that guy’s pretzel

Oops, he’s looking at me. Did I say that out loud? Maybe he’s looking at my cankles.

What’s the score?

I like her sunglasses. They make her look like Tina Fey. They would probably make me look like Tina Belcher.

Is that rain?

That was definitely out of bounds. What’s the score?

She seems nice.

Never mind, she’s a screamer.

Is this game almost over?

Where did I park my car? Where is my other child? Where are you now that I need you? Where are you, Where are you now? Great, now I have Justin Bieber stuck in my head.

I could go for shrimp and linguine.

Wow, that’s random. With a glass of wine… Now you’re talking. Look who’s talking. Wasn’t that a movie? Who was in that? Bruce Willis. Where are you, where are you now, Bruce?

Did I even bring my other child?

Where are you, where are you… Get out of my head, Justin. Do I hear thunder?

I should take some photos.

Damn, memory full, Delete, delete, delete…oh cute! Delete, delete. What’s the score?

Overtime? Oh no. Please, no.

I really need to pee. Was that rain?

Please let that be rain.