12 Things That Get In The Way Every Time I Try To Exercise

The population is split into four different categories of people when it comes to the subject of working out:

1. They love working out.

2. They don’t like working out, but they do it because they know it’s good for them. 3. They hate working out and make up a lot of excuses for not doing it. 4. They hate working out, they don’t do it, and they feel zero remorse for their decision.

I wish I fit into category 1 or 2. Heck, I even wish I was in category 4 and just didn’t give a shit. But I do give a shit. A small one, one so tiny that it keeps me in category 3.

I want to work out. I think about working out. I look at my shelf full of DVDs plastered with pictures of gorgeous (airbrushed) people with ripped abs and tight booties and think, “Yeah! I wanna look like that!” Then I pull out my phone and eat a donut.

If you’re in the same boat as me but you’re running low on excuses to give others (or yourself) as to why you’re not getting your sweat on, I’ve compiled 12 reasons to use as needed. You’re welcome.

1. The exercise machines at the gym are scary. I’m positive the essence of most workout equipment spawns from the torture device used on Wesley in the Pit of Despair in the cult-classic The Princess Bride. All those bars and pulleys and levers and weights — there’s something diabolical within all of them.

2. I don’t have any workout clothes. Ever since birthing two former wombmates a year ago, my body is all out of whack. My fat and muscle have relocated to different parts of my body and what I used to wear no longer fits. That means I have to buy new workout clothes, which just seems like a daunting task with two toddlers in tow. Although the gym is right next to Target…

3. I’m too tired. Kids are crazy energetic, off-the-hook needy, and they suck the life right out of me all day, every day. I barely have the strength to raise my fork full of chocolate cake to my lips at night let alone lunging and squatting and planking and heavy breathing.

4. I cannot possibly get up any earlier than I already do. Nope. Not gonna happen. The baby monitor is my alarm clock, and it goes off before most people even enter REM sleep. And that’s after 74 nighttime wake-ups due to teething, colds, potty needs, bad dreams, and the desire to party at all hours. So, no way, I am not waking up before I absolutely have to.

5. My kids used up all my deodorant in order to decorate the windows. I’m kind enough not to subject others to my stank, and now I have to clean my windows.

6. I’d have to take a shower. I can barely get a shower on days when I don’t do anything. I can’t guarantee anything concerning my hygiene. (See deodorant excuse above.)

7. I just ate, and I’ve read that working out on a full stomach can cause the plague or something.

8. Since it was a hectic morning and I skipped breakfast, I need to eat first. Then I’ll be too full to work out, and then I’ll have to clean the kitchen, and then…

9. My hair constantly gets in my face. My solution was to get a new haircut, so I looked on Pinterest, and well, there went four hours of my life I’ll never get back.

10. I think I’m getting sick, and I need to conserve all of my energy just in case. After all, there are no sick days when you’re a mom.

11. I just got over being sick, and I don’t wanna push myself too hard.

12. I actually packed up the kids, drove to the gym, and there were no parking spots. There were parking spots across the street at Target, though, which means I did get around to buying new workout clothes. All in all, today was a success.