The Morning Routine Of Motherhood

They say to wake up before your children in the morning. You know. For a little quiet time. Time to prepare for the day ahead.

Yeah.

That’s what they say.

But unless I want to wake up at 5:14am, it’s just not going to happen. I’d rather get the extra sleep than have 10 minutes of alone time that will inevitably be interrupted by my children, who are possessed with “she’s-awake radar.” If I wake up, they will know it. And they will want things. And I’m just not up for that at 5:14 in the morning.

So I will sleep as long as I can.

And when they wake up, I will know it. My morning awakening is not intentional. It usually starts with a tap on the eyelid (Thank you. And now I’m awake), a kick in the back (if you are going to sneak in my bed, at least be graceful about it), or screaming (for the love of SLEEP I hear you child! Just give me 10 more minutes).

So no. My morning awakening is not subtle or purposeful or gradual. It’s a big fat kick in the arse: GET OUTTA BED MOM WE ARE UP AND WE NEEEEEED THINGS.

Thing(s). With an emphasis on the (s).

Okay. Okay. Let me just brush my teeee….

… no mom, my SOCK! My sock is not right and I need you to fix it.

Okay let me just take a showe…

…MOM!!!! Where is my SHIRT?! Is it cleaned? Where. is. my. shirt?!

Scratch that let me just splash some water on my fa…

…MOOOOMMMY!!! My show is NOT working and I neeeeeed lunch.

I think you mean breakfast but, never mind, let me just find my yoga pa…

…MOM! The baby just dumped cereal all over the floor and the dog is eating it hurry up mom!

And it goes on.

And on.

And on.

Until finally…

STOP IT!!! EVERYONE JUST STOPPPP IT!!! Stop whining about your sock. Stop telling us that we are going to be late. STOP SPILLING THINGS AND…what the heck is that smell? Really? Did you have to poop RIGHT AFTER I JUST BUNDLED YOU ALL UP AND 30 SECONDS BEFORE WE NEED TO WALK OUT THE DOOR?! EVERYONE! JUST STOP!!

But, mom.

WHAT?!

My sock?

I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR DAMN SOCK! Either deal with it or get a new pair.

And then cue the tears.

And then cue the mom-insults.

And then cue the thoughts about WHY do our mornings always end like this.

Then cue a lecture about morning expectations on the way to the bus stop.

And then a cold kiss goodbye.

And then… wait for it… here it comes…

Yep. There it is. Every single time.

Cue that god-awful pit in the stomach as the bus pulls away.

Friggin’ bus stop guilt.

Your eyes are screaming, “I love you and I’m sorry!” and your mind is wondering if he knows that. He must know that, right??

Related post: Mornings Suck (I’m Glad You Made It)