'The Bachelor' Premiere Recap: Everyone Wore Red And There Was A Camel

Nick Viall wants to give America a happy ending

Nick Viall is the new Bachelor. He’s made more appearances on The Bachelor franchises than anyone in the history of ever, and never found love. So it makes perfect sense that he’s back again: to find love. Or sell an Audi. One of the two.

We start off with a super-relatable intro, where ABC tries to convince us all that Nick is not a douche. Cue supermarket worker fawning over him and telling him he’s so fine, and gratuitous scene with his little sister. He then claims he’s going to give America a “happy ending” which would be great if it wasn’t so creepy.

“Being in love is literally the greatest feeling you can feel,” he says. And he knows, because he falls in love with every woman he’s ever had to compete to get. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t have to compete this time around so he’s definitely running in the other direction. I don’t know this, I just know this.

I’ll mention now that this fucking show is two hours long, so we definitely need to kill more time before we get to actually meeting the women. Let’s bring on the men who have all fallen in love happily on The Bachelor! Ben Higgins, Chris Soules, and Sean Lowe. Sean and his wife just had a baby, and I just almost fell asleep typing that. They’re cute but, ZZZZZZ… Oh, look! It’s Chris. He lives in the middle of bumfucknowhere and no way is he still with whoever it was he chose. I don’t even remember. I think her name was Whitney. He doesn’t mention her. She’s milking a cow and chewing on some Xanax right now. Ben “I’m a total douche but everyone thinks I’m nice” Higgins, is giving love advice. Apparently we’re all supposed to pretend we haven’t seen Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After. Lauren is bored to tears, Ben does Medieval Times cosplay — and he doesn’t even want to get married.

Oh, Bachelor. You bring the love stories.

Ben Higgins leaves us with this bit of knowledge before Nick walks into the sunset,

“Be Nick. Don’t change who you are for this.” Oh really, Ben? Why didn’t you let any of the women know about the dorkstravaganza they were walking into and don your Medieval man costume for one of your Bachelor dates, huh? You didn’t. No one wants to know who we really are. Not on TV. Shut up. Go eat a giant drumstick. Then he makes a joke about being in love with two women, and all the bachelors laugh and laugh. Haha. How funny. Let’s remember Ben told TWO women he loved them and dumped one on her ass the next day. Good times. JoJo got to be The Bachelorette so there’s no hard feelings.

“I don’t ever think I’ll be discouraged enough to give up,” Nick says in a pre-meeting-the-women-soliloquy in his dressing room. Thank god. He’s going to be on the next Bachelor in Paradise as the jilted Bachelor who’s turned to drinking and knitting to cope.

Anyway, we finally get to the introductions. Not the ones we care about, when they are actually stepping out of the limo — the ones that are mini docu-dramas about each of the women’s lives. There’s a lawyer, a nail salon owner, a teacher, a nurse, a cat-lady, a bible-reading ATV rider who owns a boutique, a daddy’s girl, a therapist, a former one night stand, a Jersey girl who owns a Sumo wrestler costume and is obsessed with dolphins, and a NICU nurse. We don’t need to expand on any of this yet.

The girls arrive. First of all, they are all way too fucking young for him. He’s 36 and almost all of them are in their early twenties. The introductions are even more cringe-worthy than usual. One woman shows up in a canary yellow dress dancing behind a canary yellow fan. One tells him her friends think he’s a “complete piece of shit.” One brings Neil Lane (the diamond ring guy) along so she can show him the wedding ring she wants. One runs up in sneakers and makes a “runner up” joke. One insists on doing a trust fall. One is an Eskimo wearing a fur coat who makes him give her and Eskimo kiss.

And then comes the one night stand. He totally doesn’t recognizer her. She says she “likes that.” Um, okay. They flash out to Nick outside and he looks confused and disturbed. This is so awkward.

Oh my god, commercial break is over and we realize that’s only half the women. This show is such a commitment. It’s a good thing I have no life and live for this shit.

This group is a little older, thank God. One brings maple syrup. One “calls the hogs.” Holy crap. Did not know that was a thing. One says her hands are sweaty and tells him she has balls, while pulling a piercing out of her nose. One brought a stethoscope. One gives him a beard massage and says “there’s more where that came from.” One brings an uncooked hot dog in a book while saying “you’re a wiener in my book” and forces him to take a bite. One puts on a latex glove and tells him to bend over. Not even kidding. One pulls up on a camel and says, “Hi. I hear you like a good hump, and so do I.” Kill me. Do these people not have others to bounce ideas off of? Where are this woman’s friends? Probably disappeared into the same black hole as the friends of the woman who walked out of the limo in a shark costume.

Oh shit. It’s dolphin lover. She thinks she’s in a dolphin costume, but it’s totally a shark.

Oh, and they’re all wearing red and they’re pissed about it. Except girl in shark costume who says, “I was going to wear a red dress, too. I’m glad I didn’t.” She’s now my new favorite person.

Nick’s about to walk into the room with all the women and camera pans to the one-night-stand who says she thinks she has an “advantage” which is weird since he doesn’t seem to remember her. That’s totally not an advantage. Again, do these women not have friends? Why are we failing each other, ladies?

He walks in and they all start screaming and stand up. He gives some speech and ends it with, “I want you all to feel as empowered as possible” which takes him three different attempts to say because it’s such a crock of shit his mouth is actually rebelling against him and refusing to work.

Now comes the small talk. Rachel the lawyer is adorable and seems too smart to be there. Yellow fan girl is so annoying, and keeps insisting on dancing. Nick is pinching himself because he just can’t believe he’s The Bachelor. Daddy’s girl Corrine brought a bag of money. Okay, it’s “tokens” but she’s obnoxious. Someone else has some time with Nick, and Corrine comes back to take even more time with him and kisses him. Nick wonders aloud if he needs to give her a token for that. Ewwwww. All the girls hate her now, because of course.

Corrine says, regarding the kiss, “He’s so cute you just can’t control yourself around something like that.” Which is a gross thing to say — regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman.

Girls are now vying for time and getting aggressive. Yikes. Nick is trying to continue dispensing dating show knowledge, telling them all how to act because he’s “been there.” God Nick, we know. One girl starts crying and having a mini-breakdown because she can’t get time with Nick. The girls are describing the night as “terrifying” which makes me think they all live in a cave maybe? Or just someplace where perspective is not important. At all.

Girl in shark costume (Alexis) gets in the pool and starts doing dolphin calls. Nick comes and asks her where the shark costume comes from and she keeps insisting it’s a dolphin.

God I love her.

Nick finally gets some time with one-night-stand-girl, Liz. We finally realize that Nick remembers having sex with her, which is a relief. He says he remembers being “intrigued” by her, and wonders why he never heard from her before now. He says his number would have been “easy to get.” Awkward.

First impression rose time! Daddy’s girl thinks she’s getting it. The world hopes she’s not. He gives it to Rachel the lawyer, which makes us like him a little more because she’s definitely the smartest woman there. The girls are floored.

It’s rose time! Corrine is getting way too much air time. Annoying yellow dress dancer (Rachel) gets one of the first roses, which is odd. Corrine gets the fourth one and I just want to throw my remote at the TV. Girl in a lace dress who always whispers gets one (Ugh, I think her name is actually Lacey). Raven did a hog call and she got a rose. One random girl with an accent in a blue dress is having a breakdown — but alas! She gets a rose. All of the girls are using words like potential, experience, and journey in their sidebars. Shark girl Alexis gets a rose. The girls who don’t have one yet are pissed. A bunch of beautiful girls are now feeling insecure. God, I hate this show. Why do I watch this show? Girls, you are all gorgeous and worthy, okay? I’m sorry I made fun of your entrances.

Liz gets the last rose and a bunch of women have to pretend like they care about people there and give goodbye hugs. If I were them I would NOT say goodbye to Nick. Don’t say goodbye! Don’t wish him good luck. Just grab an extra glass of champagne and walk out the door. Better yet, walk into the cocktail area and have a snack before you go.

I’m so excited for next week. I hate myself.

But not as much as I hate Corrine.