Surprise Eggs Need To Go Die

I thought that my daughter had officially gone nuts when we happened to find a YouTube video of a grown woman with recently manicured hands opening Easter eggs and talking about their contents. In detail. Over and over. For 15 minutes straight. We watched it, I laughed at how silly it was.

It’s been months, and I’m not laughing anymore. Just when I think I’ve watched them all, another one pops up with a new character or a new spin on it. Want to watch somebody “catch” eggs in a pool, and then open them and show you what’s inside? You got it! How about an assortment of Easter eggs wrapped in Play-doh that someone with way too much time on their perfectly manicured hands spent decorating to look like the different feeling from Inside Out? Coming right up. Pretty much whatever show, movie or theme your kid is into has a surprise fucking egg video to go with it. Which means as her likes change, these damn eggs won’t go away. Just fucking great.

These eggs are driving me crazy. I loathe them and the adults that continue to make them. They’re a classic example of just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. I mean, honestly, what self-respecting adult spends their spare time buying tiny toys to pack up into eggs, lays them out for presentation, manicures their nails and then records themselves opening the fucking things and actually acting surprised about what’s inside? People with too much spare time, that’s who! If I had a spare hour, or even a spare 15 minutes, I’d spend it much more wisely. And I’d say to each their own, but no, there is no excuse for this type of behavior.

One of the worst parts is all of the other stupid shit YouTube now thinks we might be interested in watching. Like a grown adult playing “pretend dentist Peppa Pig” and performing a tooth extraction on Shrek. Or someone acting out “Peppa goes to the hospital for surgery” with figurines and a hospital all set up. Yes, these are now actual things that automatically pop up if I’m not quick enough to back out to the main menu after an egg video is over. I don’t need any more stupid shit to watch, but thanks YouTube. And what’s with all the weird medical procedure theme-content anyway?

We’re now watching surprise eggs almost every day. It’s the choice “screen time” activity and admittedly one of the most effective ways to squash a terrible two meltdown. And my daughter can’t just watch any stupid egg video, she wants specific ones: Paw Patrol please. I want to watch Peppa Pig eggs. I’m literally using these dumb-ass videos to coax my 2-year-old home from the park or to pick up her toys. And clearly I’m not alone; these videos have millions of views. Millions. All of my parent friends with toddlers know exactly what I’m talking about (I can tell because I get an eye roll and groan when they come up). And those friends that are tot-less think I’m absolutely bat shit crazy when I talk about the “surprise egg uprising.” Clearly they don’t know. Lucky.

Seriously, who thought of this idea, and what the hell is wrong with them? What could possibly drive an adult to think it’s a good idea? And as parents, why the hell did we ever let them into our home? I swear I would take it back if I could. They’re worse than Teletubbies or Barney. If I didn’t think I’d get stuck watching them in addition to eggs, I would probably introduce them in my house to watch instead, but I’m too afraid I’ll just wind up watching both.

There are plenty of other things I’d rather do with my time, like wash dishes, do laundry, clean behind the stove, and slowly stab my eyeballs with a fork. However, on a regular basis, after hearing my daughter (who never seems to forget anything) ask so politely to “watch the eggs, please, the Mickey ones,” I cave and it’s back to square one. Eggs on the TV, eggs on the tablet – she doesn’t care as long as she can watch the eggs.

The worst is when you’re somewhere you literally cannot make the eggs appear and an “I want to watch the eggs” meltdown is coming on. Your phone died, you’re out of WiFi range, or YouTube isn’t loading fast enough. You’re screwed. My daughter recently found a plastic Easter egg somewhere around our house. The stupid thing is now in my car and she actually plays with it more than some of the toys I spent good money on. Close it. “Mummy, can you open it and see what’s in-see?” She opens it and just like in the videos is shocked to find whatever she just put inside still there. Which is adorable and actually acceptable since she’s two. This is not acceptable behavior for an adult, and it needs to stop.

The surprise egg trend is growing with no end in sight, and it’s about as terrible a trend as men in purple skinny jeans. I’m ready to start a mommy uprising against the eggs. Yes, I realize just how dumb that sounds, but I’m out of options here and my patience is waning. I know toddler trends come and go quickly and quietly, but honestly, I hope and beg daily to move onto the next annoying phase. Anything else … but then again, be careful what you wish for.