A Thank-You For All The Stupid Comments About My Pregnancy

When you’re pregnant, it somehow seems that everyone needs to comment on the current state of your ass. People who have never spoken to me before have asked me questions that I would only ask close friends. People who I wouldn’t share coffee with have reached out and grabbed my stomach. Strangers, friends, family, and co-workers have all overstepped, overshared, or just overreached in terms of what you say to someone. So to all of them, I say, “Thank you.”

Thank you to the woman who told me, “You’re really getting big.” I’m eight months pregnant—what’s your excuse?

Thank you to the co-worker who has never spoken to me before but felt the need to inform me that I “popped” and that having children five years apart isn’t something she would do again. Unsolicited advice is always something people want.

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Thank you to the person who when I mentioned the baby names I was considering couldn’t even muster a reply. You are the reason that once I have a name I’m keeping it to myself.

Thank you to the friend who at a party eyed my glass of ginger ale and said “that sucks.” Yes, not drinking for nine months “sucks,” but for me, not for you. And well I’m OK with it, so you should be too.

Thank you to the co-worker who in front of a crowd tried to grab my stomach. Just what every pregnant woman wants, to be manhandled in front of her boss and peers.

Thank you to the co-worker who loudly told all future belly-grabbers that “she doesn’t like being touched.” It’s nice that someone has my back.

Thank you to the former boss who told me I looked adorable and went out of his way to congratulate me. It’s rare that men get it and know what to say.

Thank you to the boss who mentioned at two separate meetings that I was pregnant. I’m sure you forgot you said it the first time, but at least half the room rolled their eyes.

Thank you to the barista who looked at my stomach and said, “Decaf, right?” Wrong, jerk, I need my daily cup.

Thank you to the person who when pouring glasses of wine went to offer me one and then pulled it back and said, “Wait, you can’t drink.” Oh really, I didn’t know that. I wasn’t going to take the glass anyway.

Thank you to the shop clerk at a certain maternity store who reminded me that, “You will definitely get bigger.”

Thank you to every man who has said, “It will be here before you know it.” Really, will it? Because you’ve been pregnant before…oh wait.

Thank you to the guy who told my husband I shouldn’t be eating seafood. I’m so glad that you are a medical professional…oh, you’re not a medical professional.

Thank you to the HR person at work who told me I wasn’t possibly big enough to be in my third trimester and that some people are uncomfortable when they are pregnant, but I’m so small that I can’t possibly be uncomfortable or need to start maternity leave before my due date. I’m so glad that you know how I feel.

Thank you to the friends whose excitement has mirrored my own. To the ones who have gone out of their way. To the friends who have let me come to their homes for playdates because I’m too tired to clean my own. To the friends who can’t be here but have sent kind words and well wishes.

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Thank you to those who have promised me drinks after the baby is born. Thank you to the people who haven’t treated pregnancy like a chore but instead a joy. Thank you to those who have made these months easier. Thank you to every person who has said, “You look great.” Even if I rolled my eyes at you, I appreciated it.

And thank you to those who have listened to me complain. Pregnancy doesn’t always bring out the best in me, but I’m thankful for everyone who has been there to listen and take all of my hormones in a stride. It’s likely I owe you a drink.