'Revenge Body' Was Even Worse Than You Imagined It Would Be

Everyone sticking up for Khloe Kardashian’s ‘Revenge Body,’ shut the front door

Last night, Khloé Kardashian’s new reality fitness show Revenge Body premiered. It’s the most shallow, awful, depressing piece of television to come out of the weight-loss genre. And that’s saying something.

We begin the show with Will. He’s adorable, he radiates personality, and you immediately want to be his friend. The first scene is of him letting himself into his house, hands full of Chinese takeout and Dunkin Donuts, because of course. We have to be immediately be fed the storyline that fat people literally can’t do anything but eat.

He tells us he’s from a small town, and because of his sexuality, braces, and weight “food really became a comfort.” Then we learn that recently Will’s boyfriend told him he wasn’t attracted to him anymore. “I knew I had gained weight, but I didn’t know it was that bad, that I wasn’t attractive,” he says with tears in his eyes. Cut to him ripping open Chinese takeout, and every decent person in the world screaming “YOU ARE WORTHY, WILL. GET THE FUCK OFF THIS SHOW IMMEDIATELY AND FIND SOMEONE WHO ISN’T A DOUCHE.”

Here’s where we can all picture the producer of the show running to pick up some Chinese food and donuts for Will and telling him to shove it into his face while telling his break-up story. That direction definitely happened. I don’t know that it did, but I know that it did. Now Will is crying while looking in the mirror with his shirt off, and I literally want to show up on Khloé’s doorstep screaming “DON’T YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY?” while smashing glazed donuts into everything she owns.

“I see a fat, lonely person,” he says. NO. No. No. Actually, you lit up the screen as soon as you came on. You’re funny. Your eyes shine. We all want to hang out with you.

“So why are you here today,” Khloé asks.

“I’m in a very transitional period in my life,” Will says. “My boyfriend Kyle broke up with me and I want him back so bad, he was my best friend. And I really want to lose all this weight so maybe I can get him back.” Hold up, WHAT? Kyle is not your best friend, Will. Kyle is a jerk. “Why did he break up with you,” Khloe asks, because of course we have to stick the knife in Will’s heart and thrash it around a little. “He told me straight to my face he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.”

Now Will starts showing pictures of Kyle, WHO IS JUST AS BIG AS HE IS, WTF? Kyle? Who the hell do you think you are?

“Who do you want to get revenge on,” Khloé asks. Um, maybe Kyle, dummy. “Hopefully Kyle would look at the hard work that I did, and say to himself, ‘Wow. This person did this for me.'”

At this point we’re all hoping that Khloé will say something like, “Will, you are an amazing person and if you do this for anyone, do it for yourself. Fuck Kyle. Kyle is a dipshit.” She doesn’t. Instead she rattles off some dumb story about Kim feeling bad about herself after her breakups and how it always made Khloé feel better because “if it could happen to Kim it could happen to anyone.”

Huh?

Will now tells us that his goal is to move from being a “bear” to being a “muscle cub” which is apparently code for big hairy dude to big hairy dude with some muscles. Khloe then tells him she’s going to hook him up with the best nutritionists and trainers around. “I’m so excited to see my muscle cub,” she says. “Bye, bear.”

Ok, so just to recap — it never got deeper than that. Ever. The show paints Will as a pathetic fat guy, Khloe shows up for an interview and says nothing of depth, and they they both high-five on a completely shallow physical goal. Awesome.

Will meets celebrity trainer Gunnar Peterson. Will says, “My ex which is kind of my motivation for this whole thing just moved out this morning.” Gunnar says, “Good. Good riddance. Get out. See ya,” and now I kind of love him. He’s so much better at this than Khloé. He intermittently yells “Fuck Kyle” while Will is working out. This is the best part of the show so far. Gunnar needs a show. It would be so much better than this garbage.

Next we meet Stephanie. She says she’s the “Duff — designated ugly fat friend.” We see her surrounded by a bunch of women, judging her. These women are awful. A-W-F-U-L. They are giving her “fashion advice” and I want to swoop in, shove them all down to the ground by placing my palm on their faces, grab Stephanie by the hand and bring her over to my house where we can watch Netflix and I can braid her hair.

Stephanie walks into a room which will henceforth be described as “bitch den” — in a dress. The bitches in bitch den all proceed to tear her apart. One says, “I think it’s too tight around your stomach.” Another says, “Like, you don’t really have a shape.” Another says, “You need to pick a better dress,” while yet another chimes in, “I don’t think she’ll fit in the small though.” What in the actual hell is going on here? Do women actually talk to each other like this? Stephanie, you don’t need a new body, you need new friends.

Now we follow her to the club with her awful friends. She doesn’t want to dance. Her friends are all horrified that she’s sitting down, like they’ve literally never seen a person take a seat before. “Oh, my god, look at her,” one says. “Can you just get up,” asks another. “Come on! You’re just, like, by yourself like a weirdo.”

Now I’m fast-forwarding to the part where she meets Khloé because I just can’t take it anymore. Khloé better redeem herself with some better advice or I’m turning this shit off.

Stephanie walks into the studio to meet Khloé and gushes about how beautiful she is, which Will also did. Starting to think this was a requirement.

Stephanie goes on to explain that when she and her best friend Miranda were in middle school they were both thin, but as they got older Stephanie gained weight, “I was always the fat friend to her, and she would let me know that.” Ew. Khloé asks her what she wants to change about her body and she lists her nails and skin to start. Khloé says, “That stuff is all fixable. I have access to the best dermatologists — literally I feel like they have a magic wand and they can fix your face.”

WHAT the FUCK did you just say, Khloé? She doesn’t even skip a beat after the “I can fix your face” comment, she just slowly blinks and asks, “What is your ideal revenge body outfit?” Stephanie admits it’s a bikini. Khloé says, “My goal is to get you in a bikini and have a pool party and do that whole thing.”

GAHHHHHH.

I’m done. I don’t even care what happens next.

Ok, fine. Will and Stephanie lost a ton of weight. Stephanie lost 27 pounds, and Will lost 30 — in twelve weeks. There is a glam squad and a reveal. Stephanie confronts her ex-BFF who has no recollection of treating her that badly. She looks genuinely upset. Kyle doesn’t show up, but Will realizes that his leaving is what motivated him, blah, blah, blah.

This show is 100% about appearances, and 0% about what actually makes a person amazing. It doesn’t even pretend to be better than that. Khloé Kardashian had a totally normal body type throughout childhood, but it doesn’t matter. She’ll always view herself as the “chubby sister.” That sucks. But what sucks even more is that she’s taking her insecurity, packaging it as empowerment, and selling it to her audience.

No.