60 Hilarious Rachel Green Quotes That Gives New Meaning To 'The Rachel'

Feeling nostalgic for all things Friends? Once you finish reading these Rachel Green quotes, check out our page on Friends quotes, Friends trivia, and our round-up of Joey Tribbiani, Chandler Bing, and Phoebe Buffay quotes.

While the will-they-won’t-they storyline with Ross Gellar (David Schwimmer) kept audiences riveted season after season of this must-see-TV staple, Rachel was without a doubt the character that showed the most growth from her first moments onscreen to her last. From the instant she stumbled into Central Perk in her wedding gown to the final episode of the show, Rachel went from a spoiled, wholly dependent young woman to a confident, successful, and independent professional and mother. And it all started with baby steps when she learned how to do laundry and got herself “one of those job things.” Of course, that evolution included a few hilarious hiccups along the way — hello, infamous Thanksgiving trifle!

Check out our roundup of the best kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic Rachel Green quotes if you’re looking for a laugh or just a walk down memory lane.

Best Rachel Green Quotes

1. “I’m over you. And that, my friends, is what you call closure.”

2. “That’s a great story. Tell it while you’re getting me some iced tea.”

3. “No uterus, no opinion.”

4. “Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?”

5. Rachel (on her obnoxiously pink dress): “I can’t believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you’re nauseous!”

6. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?”

7. “I’m probably 98 percent happy and 2 percent jealous.”

8. “Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom to. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffee house. First of all, the customer is always right. A smile goes a long way. And if anyone is ever rude to you: Sneeze Muffin.”

9. “Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.”

10. “Well, maybe I don’t need your money. Wait, wait! I said, ‘Maybe.’”

11. “Everyone is getting married or pregnant or promoted and I’m getting coffee! And it’s not even for me!”

12. “I’m so happy and not at all jealous.”

13. “How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?”

14. “How do you expect me to grow if you won’t let me blow?”

15. “We are dessert stealers. We are living outside the law.”

16. “It’s a metaphor, Daddy.”

17. “Isn’t this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… not worth it.”

18. “Who is FICA and why is he taking all my money?”

19. “He’s so pretty I want to cry.”

20. “To Monica and Chandler! And that knocked-up girl in Ohio!”

21. “How do we end up with these jerks? We’re good people.”

22. “Just so you know, it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!

23. “Oh, that’s okay. Girls tend to not like me.”

24. “Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight: I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?”

25. “I’m gonna go get one of those job things.”

26. “Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?”

27. “Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?”

28. “Oh my god, I’ve become my father. I’ve been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn’t see this coming.”

29. To Ross: “I got off the plane.”

30. “Today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.”

31. “You know what I figure? If I can do laundry, there’s nothing I can’t do.”

32. “I was spoiled, self-centered, and you guys really took care of me.”

33. “Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffee house. First of all, the customer is always right. A smile goes a long way. And if anyone is ever rude to you: sneeze muffin.”

34. “It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!’ Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat?”

35. “I’m quitting; I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it.”

36. “Well, maybe I don’t need your money. Wait. I said maybe.”

37. “I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!”

38. “You know what? I just shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions anymore.”

39. “I don’t want my baby’s first words to be ‘how you doin’?'”

Funniest Rachel Green Conversations

1. Rachel (about her crying daughter): “Mon, what am I gonna do? It’s been hours and it won’t stop crying.”

Monica: “‘She,’ Rach. Not ‘it.’ ‘She.’” Rachel: “Yeah. I’m not so sure.”

2. Rachel: “See? Unisex.”

Joey: “Maybe you need sex. I just had it a few days ago.” Rachel: “No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.” Joey: “I wouldn’t say no to that.”

3. Rachel: “I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.”

Ross: “You still love me?” Rachel: “…No.”

4. Chandler: “Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?”

Rachel: “No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.”

5. Ross (with newly whitened teeth): “Hey, Rachel, did you notice…”

Rachel: “Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.”

6. Ross (discussing baby names): “What about Ruth?”

Rachel: “I’m sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old?”

7. Joey: “I… I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Rachel: “Who you talking to?”

8. Chandler: “Can you see my nipples through this shirt?”

Rachel: “No. But don’t worry, I’m sure they’re still there.”

9. Ross: “Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.”

Rachel: “Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?”

10. Rachel (after Phoebe backs out of getting a tattoo): “Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!”

Phoebe: “I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d–did you know they do this with needles?” Rachel: “Really! You don’t say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!”

11. Rachel: “Well, I found the hardware store by myself!”

Joey: “The hardware store’s just down the street.” Rachel: “There’s a hardware store down the street?”

12. Mrs. Green [looks out the window]: “There’s an unattractive nude man playing the cello.”

Rachel: “Yeah, well just be glad he’s not playing a smaller instrument.”

13. Phoebe: “There’s five hundred extra dollars in my account.”

Chandler: “Oh! Satan’s minions at work again.” Phoebe: “Yes, ’cause I have to go down there and deal with them.” Joey: “What are you talking about? Keep it!” Phoebe: “It’s not mine! I didn’t earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!” Rachel: “Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!”

14. Joey: “Rach, you gotta find out if he’s in the same place you are. Otherwise, it’s just a moo point.

Rachel: “A moo point.” Joey: “Yeah, it’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo.” Rachel: “Have I been living with him too long, or did that all just make sense?”

15. Rachel: “You know, Ben, I was your daddy’s girlfriend.”

Ben: “But you’re not anymore. Because you were on a break.”

16. Monica: “Rach, it’s the Visa card people.”

Rachel: “Oh, God, ask them what they want.” Monica: [on phone] “Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on. [to Rachel] Um, they say there’s been some unusual activity on your account.” Rachel: “But I haven’t used my card in weeks!” Monica: “That is the unusual activity.”

17. Rachel: “How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

Dr. Long: “Three.” Ross: “Just three? I’m dilated three!”

18. Rachel: “Wha… married?”

Ross: “Well, yeah, I think we should get married!” Rachel: “What? Because that’s your answer to everything?”

19. Rachel: “Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher one and it was so hard! You know, I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what it’s like to be 19 and in love.”

Ross: “Yeah, I guess I can cut him some slack.” Rachel: “Yeah.” Joey: “How’d you get over that teacher?” Rachel: “I didn’t. I got under him. Joey: “Problem solved.”

20. Ross: “This is insane! I’m not gonna make love to you just so you’ll go into labor!”

Rachel: “Make love? What are you, a girl?” Ross: “A great way to get into a man’s pants.”

21. Ross: “You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.”

Rachel: “Well, in high school, that added up to head cheerleader.”