What's With All These Babies With Old People Names?

It is dangerous, in any society, to be a truth teller. But creator Manny Buckley has recently dropped some truths on TikTok. He is taking a bold stance on something no one is talking about, perhaps because we’ve been too craven and cowardly. It’s about our kids. Specifically, our kid’s names. “Y’all went from naming all y’all’s kids Jayden, Cayden, and Aiden, Madison, Addison, and Addylyn to giving them all old people names,” he says. As someone who gave her son a little old man name, I could take offense, but I’m standing strong with Buckley because he is not wrong and he’s brought receipts.

“I’m on the train and this lady is calling out a name and she’s like ‘George! George!’ and she is talking to this kid that’s under 5 years old,” he recounts. “Ma’am. George is a mechanic in his 60s and he can’t work on your car this week because his sugars is running high.”

Other examples include Agnes (“a Florida retiree”), Ira (“an 80-year-old Jewish man”), Belinda (“an RN ... on the verge of retirement”), and Clifford (“a navy vet”).

Obviously, this is all in good fun... and it's fun we wanted to join in on. So we went over to the Social Security Administration's list of the 1,000 most popular baby names to see what other old people's names children are getting and we didn't have to look far to find some particularly elderly sounding ones. (To be fair: there are some delightful winners in there). The following names are all within the top 150 given to children in 2023, and these are some of the vibes we feel they could potentially be giving off.

Theodore

Back in his day, Theodore was a sprightly knickerbocker who matriculated at Yale (where he was lead boy in The Whiffenpoofs). He is now 85 years old and only recently retired from his law practice in a wealthy New England town where he lives with his wife, Marjorie.

Hazel

All of Hazel’s twelve grandchildren have four beautiful, handmade quilts — one for each season — because fiber arts are her passion. It’s getting harder for her now, though, on account of the arthritis.

Ezekiel

Ezekiel is named after his grandpappy, the greatest moonshiner in the holler. He has a thriving garage and towing service. His handshake is an unbreakable promise. He has been planning for his grandson Jason to take over the business within 5 years for the past 15 years. (He just can’t seem to let go.)

Sadie

Sadie always lets you know she thinks you’re too skinny and wants to remedy that with her famous babka.

Waylon

Waylon has run local politics in his county since 1974. His prized possession is a picture of him shaking hands with Ronald Reagan to the point that he has included it in his will (it’s going to his favorite grandson, Waylon III).

Iris

Everyone is absolutely terrified of Iris, but nobody knows what the office is going to do when she retires. She holds all the institutional knowledge of the firm and refuses to share this information. She is ruthlessly efficient and was apparently super hot in the ’60s.

Silas

Silas remembers when this was a mill town. Why you used to be able to play stickball in the middle of Route 7 because it would be hours before a car came by. Now? Whew! The traffic is ridiculous.

Eloise

Eloise doesn’t care what her kids say, she’s not moving out of her apartment (Upper West Side, 6 bedrooms and a formal dining room, rent controlled at $200 a month). To do what? Waste away in a retirement community in Boca Raton? Uh-uh: Eloise is staying put with Mitzi, her 16 year old shih-tzu.

Arthur

Arthur has tenure, so he’s untouchable and is taking full advantage of this fact. He has not taught more than one seminar per academic year since 1992.

Mary

Mary wants to know if you’d like a Werthers. She keeps them in her purse. Should you accept the candy, you will be in a conversation with Mary for at least half an hour.

Honestly, this is a trend we’re kind of here for. Because these names are classics for a reason and — come on — a toddler named Abraham is hysterical.