50 Things To Savor Before Having Kids

There’s no doubt about it, children enrich our lives in the most wonderful ways, and we wouldn’t know what to do without them. That being said, there are certain facets of our pre-kid lives that most parents wish they’d been a tad more appreciative of. So, for anyone who is considering taking that monumental step into parenthood (or even if you aren’t considering it yet, but might someday), here are some aspects of childlessness you’ll want to savor before your life changes in a big way:

1. Having nice things

2. Deciding to walk out of the house and then simply walking out of the house

3. Not having to stash your snacks

4. Your leak-free bladder

5. Spur-of-the-moment naps

6. Spur-of-the-moment anything

7. Silence

8. Not wiping anybody’s butt except your own

9. Having disposable income

10. Passing an arcade/carnival/toy store/candy display without so much as a sideways glance

11. Reading an entire book (or, hell, an entire article) in one sitting

12. Reading anything except parenting magazines and storybooks

13. Binge-watching an entire series uninterrupted

14. Eating cupcakes for breakfast without having to hide because you’re “setting a bad example”

15. Cursing freely and unabashedly in the privacy of your own home

16. Being naked without questions like, “What’s that?” and “Why do you have those marks?”

17. Carrying only your stuff in your purse and pockets

18. Cleaning things and having them stay clean for more than 10 minutes

19. Not being used as a human Kleenex

20. Cooking dinner that nobody complains about

21. Only yelling, “No!” or “Stop that!” if you’re being accosted or feeling outraged

22. Having a reasonable grocery bill

23. Not walking around all day with cartoon theme songs stuck in your head

24. Not hearing those same songs — or any kids’ songs — over, and over, and over.

25. Watching news stories without freaking out because OMG that could have been my child!

26. Sleeping through the night

27. Sleeping in

28. Getting plenty of time to chill and relax so you can get over a virus (or, you know, a hangover)

29. Having a vehicle that is free of Goldfish crackers and mysterious sticky spots

30. Not being judged by other parents

31. Not having to ask, multiple times, if anyone needs to pee before leaving the house

32. Making plans without having to track down — or pay — a sitter

33. Only cutting up food if you want to

34. Getting in the car quickly

35. Getting anywhere quickly

36. Not having enough crumbs in your upholstery to feed a small country

37. Taking ridiculously long, uninterrupted showers

38. Being able to have sex in your own home, spontaneously, wherever and whenever the mood strikes

39. Wearing white all day without dribbles, smudges, or fingerprints

40. Having a refrigerator door without dribbles, smudges, or fingerprints

41. Going to restaurants that don’t have a children’s menu

42. Going on vacations that don’t involve kiddie rides or huge costumed characters

43. Being called by your actual name instead of just “Mom” or “Emma’s mom”

44. Not having to second-guess whether your every decision is going to ruin someone’s life, somehow

45. Having energy

46. Staying out later than you intended

47. Eating meals or drinking beverages that are actually still hot

48. Having rooms that don’t look like Toys”R”Us threw up all over them

49. Not scrambling to change the channel — or the subject — when there’s a steamy scene on TV

50. Having surfaces that aren’t perpetually sticky

Kids are messy, loud, impatient, demanding — and worth every single bit of everything they put us through. Once you have them, you’ll be glad you decided to take the plunge. But until then, take a few moments to be mindful of the things you might be taking for granted.

Because someday, pooping without an audience is going to be a luxury you’ll miss.