Why We Shouldn't Be Pushing For 100% “Respectful” Children

Social worker and trauma specialist Maggie Nick (@maggiewithperspectacles) routinely posts about the pitfalls of raising (and being) a “good kid.” People pleasers, overachievers, kids who are always trying to manage other people’s emotions through achievement and overextending themselves — listen up. Nick offered a succinct but important message to parents of the good kids... and also the parents of the kids who, perhaps, aren’t as obedient as we might want.

“You can have a ‘good kid,’ who’s always respectful, who automatically complies, who never challenges you, who listens all the time and does it immediately without causing any trouble or you can have a kid who feels good enough, who believes they deserve love. You can’t have both.”

Truly, the “pleasure to have in class” to “neurotic adult” pipeline is a strong one, and it really is no wonder. “Good kids” are often more preoccupied with other people’s feelings than their own. We... erm... they (they!) see our value as being able to maintain the peace by remaining as amenable as possible, even if that’s not what brings them peace. And years of trying to cater to the needs of others while ignoring your own, well, that eventually starts to wear on a person.

Of course none of this is to say that anyone should set out to raise a completely defiant child who only thinks about their own wants and needs. And it’s also not to say that if you have a particularly agreeable child you’ve done something wrong somehow. Some people are just naturally pretty pleasant and easy-going. It’s just to say that we shouldn’t be striving for a kid who is always on their best behavior because they’re afraid to express their wants, needs, and opinions. Yes, we want our kids to behave, but we don’t want that to be because they think they’ll lose our love if they ever step out of line.

It seems TikTok users were quick to identify with this message — as of press time, nearly 9,000 TikTok users liked the message and more than 1,200 even bookmarked it. Nearly 400 people have commented, either identifying as a kid who felt that way... or a parent who hoped their child never would.

“I was super well behaved and obedient and my sister couldn't behave to save her life,” one writes. “Guess who's the basket case now?”

“My mom always says this about my daughter: ‘You would NEVER have acted like that,’” shares another. “Yeah well, I don't want her to end up like me.”

“I encouraged my stepson to challenge our rules as every rule should have a purpose,” a third chimes in. “And if I couldn't defend it, it should be revised.”

“The few times my daughter has raised her voice, I've been so grateful I nearly cried,” one mom shared. “I worry about her so much. She was always too easy, too giving, too quiet. I'll always encourage her ‘bad’ side.”

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to take a minute to process all this. Maybe cry a little. And then we’re going to gather up our sassiest child and give them a hug and feel really proud of them and ourselves.