“You’re Too Old For That” & 10 Other Things Not To Say To Your Teen

They had a squabble with their best friend for the first time, and it was a doozy. Or maybe they're dealing with their first heartbreak. The situations may differ, but whatever the case may be, it's important that you focus on how much it matters to your kid. Trying to reassure them that the problem won't matter in a few years just sounds dismissive.

Stephanie Chapman, PhD, a child psychologist and the director of Primary Care Psychology at Texas Children's Hospital, sees this often with school-related stress. "A kid says, 'School's so hard, there's so much work for me to do.' And we parents slide into, 'You have phones to help you out, and you don't have to do all this other stuff.' Or there's a breakup, and parents are like, 'Well, he wasn't going to be the person you marry anyways.' What we want to do instead is convey empathy."

Codd elaborates, saying, "While something might not seem like a big deal to you as a caregiver, it might feel like life or death to your child. When we minimize or invalidate our teens' emotional experiences, we're communicating that they shouldn't be feeling what they're feeling or that their emotions are not important to us. If you don't understand why your teen is experiencing such an intense emotion or reacting disproportionately to the situation, just ask them."

Try her script: "It looks like you're really frustrated by what happened. Can you help me understand why?" If you want to validate their feelings or make them feel less alone, go for something like "It makes sense why you're feeling anxious about..." or "I think anyone would feel upset if..."

When your kid is spilling their guts, it's because they need to talk about them. Cross says that's not the time to transition into a story about you.

"When we were their age, it was a totally different time. Everything in society was different. And so we want to be able to share our experiences with them, but in that moment, it's really important to just focus on the young person's perspective. When we start to say, ‘When I was your age,’ and we start to tell our stories, we make that whole conversation about ourselves and take it off of them. So again, we want to have this safe space where they feel they can come in and they can be transparent, they can be vulnerable."

So their chores didn't get done (yet again). It's easy to assign the lazy label when you find your teen lounging in their bed instead of doing the 20 minutes' worth of tasks you asked them to do. Just hold off a sec — labeling your kid can impact their self-esteem.

"You create a sense of identity for the person. The person then begins to say, You know what? I'm just lazy. It becomes their character, their identity. Because my mom said it, my dad said it, so it's true. I'm just lazy. My parents told me I am, so I am. So we want to speak words that are encouraging," Cross says.

That's all well and good, but the chores still need to get done, right? Chapman recommends two approaches:

• Praise your child like crazy when they do something you're happy about. "Acknowledge and praise more of the good behaviors that are already happening because the science behind it is more good stuff will happen if we praise it and catch it," she says.
• Set super clear expectations and enforce them consistently (it's called behavior contracting). "Explain what needs to happen and when. Your room needs to be cleaned every Sunday by 6:00 p.m. That means that the clothes need to be off the floor, the bed needs to be made, and all the garbage and dishes are out in the right place. Mom's going to check at 6:00 p.m. If it's done, awesome, we're going to praise like wildfire. If it's not done, we're taking the phone until it's done. We need to have a clear understanding of the consequence in advance so that the kid knows the expectation and can agree on it."

Comparisons don’t feel good for anyone involved, and they rarely result in changed behavior, says Cross. “When we compare a young person to another person, that can create feelings of inadequacy. It can create feelings of being competitive, and it can also lead to lower self-esteem because that comparison is horrible. I often talk to young people about not comparing themselves, but when we as parents are doing that, it’s even more damaging.”

This is another instance where profusely praising good behavior would likely get much better results.

Hearing this is so much worse than your parent just being mad at you — we all know it. Saying this to your kid can make them feel guilty or ashamed, Cross says. TBH, you might feel like that’s warranted depending on what they’ve done wrong, but in the long run, it can contribute to your teen feeling like they can’t talk to you about things that could potentially disappoint you again.

“I think the alternate would be helping guide them to the better behavior or the action item for next time. Move towards problem-solving as opposed to dwelling on the past,’” Chapman says. She’s a fan of guiding teens through with questions. “You might ask, ‘What do you think my concerns about that would be? Why would I be worried about that?’ It’s often a better way to help express the concern.” Then, shift to solving the problem together. “What do you think we should do to fix this? How do we make this up to the family or to your teacher? What do we have to do next time?”

Discounting your teen because of their age majorly undercuts your connection with them, experts say. “When a parent says this, you are absolutely dismissing their feelings or thoughts, and it can make them feel very belittled. They can feel discouraged from even sharing with us in the future,” Cross explains.

If something big has come up in your family’s life — a death, divorce, whatever it may be — there are age-appropriate ways to explain them to your kids.

Usually, this comes from a place of wanting to protect our kids. If they take a character backpack to school or go trick-or-treating as a teen, will someone make fun of them? Better to handle that on the backend than be the one to embarrass them, these experts say.

“It can make them feel ashamed of whatever it is that they’re interested in. It can discourage them from sharing their thoughts in the future. We don’t want them to be discouraged from pursuing the things that interest them,” says Cross.

You know, that boy or girl who's totally bad news, or the friend who is a complete menace all the time. Unfortunately, doing anything "in the spirit of forbidding" usually backfires.

"Absolutely, for a lot of young people, it makes them more inclined to do it. And again, it creates that atmosphere of 'You don't understand. You don't know what I'm going through.' It's better to tell a young person your view and perspective and allow them to have the experience with your guidance and support," says Cross.

Chapman adds that parents are really good at all-or-nothing declarations, like "You can't date until you're 17. You can't ever talk to that kid." Instead, make more concrete limits clear. "'It's OK to have a crush. You can talk to a boy or a girl or a peer. You can't go out with them unsupervised until you're 16.' Or, 'You can't ever talk to that friend.' Maybe it's that you can only see that friend at school, or you can hang out with that friend at our house."

When a teacher has given your kid an unfair grade or their bestie has turned into a bully, it's natural to want to take charge and fix everything for your child. But for teenagers, challenges like this are an essential training ground for handling adversity themselves.

"It's important to allow our teens time to experience their emotions. Sometimes we don't need solutions; we just need a listening ear or a comforting presence," Codd says. "When you do eventually get to problem-solving, take a collaborative approach. Instead of coming up with solutions for your child, explore solutions — and possible outcomes for each solution — together."

"It might be like, 'Huh, that's an issue. What are you thinking about doing about it? What are a couple of solutions you have?' When we use those open-ended questions, we help show our kids that we think they have autonomy and power and good ideas, and it helps elicit them talking to us so that we can actually help shape or guide them if they need it," says Chapman.

Easy for us to say, but it's probably not at all going to land well with a heartsick teen.

"If a person is 13, if they feel like they love someone or are falling in love, the worst thing a parent can say is you are too young to know what love is. You can make them feel like whatever they're feeling isn't valid or important. And that itself will absolutely create a sense of disconnection and, again, that child will be less likely to share their feelings in the future," says Cross. So, just focus on empathizing and guiding them to handle their budding relationship responsibly.

Just because it's true to you doesn't mean it needs to be said. What may be a trivial situation to you is not to your kid, and they would probably appreciate your help navigating it.

"I hear this a lot from kids who say, 'I was talking to my mom about it,' or, 'I was talking to my dad about it.' And the parent will say something to the effect of You're making a big deal out of nothing," Cross says. "We're dismissing their concerns. We're making it seem like, oh, that's so silly. That's so menial. It can lead them to bottling up their emotions. We don't want to give them that feeling of not being important or not being validated because they're going to seek that somewhere else, or they're going to just shut down emotionally."