Turns Out, Parents *Do* Have Favorites & It's Exactly Who You Think

Growing up with a whole mess of siblings, my brothers, sister, and I would occasionally ask our parents that timeless, dreaded question: “Who’s your favorite?”

And every time, we were assured “We don’t have favorites” or “Each of you is my favorite for a different reason.” Of course we never bought those lines and would go on to throw out theories as to who the favorite actually was. (To our parents’ credit, everyone usually said themselves so... A+, mom and dad.)

But a new study — a meta-analysis of 30 previous studies comprising nearly 20,000 participants — published in the journal Psychological Bulletin, suggests that parents do actually have a favorite... and that favorite tends to be a very particular type of child.

Parents showing or expressing favoritism toward children have been studied for decades. As such, lead researcher Alexander Jensen of Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life, based on previous findings, developed a hypothesis for this work.

“A couple of studies from the past suggested that mothers favor daughters and fathers favor sons,” he told Newsweek. “So, I was very surprised that both mothers and fathers favored daughters.”

Let’s hear it for the girls! Specifically, agreeable, conscientious (responsible, well-organized) daughters. This sounds pretty fair to this stereotypical eldest daughter... even though this study also found that younger children get more favorable treatment...

Researchers examined how factors like birth order, temperament, personality, and gender affected parents' favoritism. This favoritism can manifest in several ways, but the study focused on five: overall treatment, positive interactions, negative interactions, resource allocation (how much parents spend on a child), and control.

“For decades, researchers have known that differential treatment from parents can have lasting consequences for children,” Jensen told the American Psychological Association. “This study helps us understand which children are more likely to be on the receiving end of favoritism, which can be both positive and negative.”

And it isn’t as simple as “girls rule; boys drool” (a technical term, look it up). Nor is it instructive information for any would-be favorites, particularly since the study found that children generally don’t observe favoritism.

“It is important to note that this research is correlational, so it doesn’t tell us why parents favor certain children,” Jensen said. “However, it does highlight potential areas where parents may need to be more mindful of their interactions with their children.”

Moreover, he said in a news release from BYU, that a natural inclination toward one child or another doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve picked a favorite. Some connections, for any number of reasons, are just easier.

"Most parents probably connect more easily with one child over another,” he told the outlet, “whether that be due to personality, birth order, gender, or other things like shared interests.” Watch for those patterns within yourself. Pay attention to how your children react to things that could be perceived as favoritism.”

Ultimately, Jensen hopes these findings can serve as a reminder to parents to be mindful of their biases, behaviors, and their children’s perceptions of their parenting. “Sometimes parents get so concerned about treating their kids the same that they may overlook individual needs,” he says. “We’re not suggesting parents feel guilty; instead, parents can look at this research and use it as encouragement to look at places where they can improve, without going to extremes.”

“Be patient with yourself and with your children,” Jensen concludes. “Spend time together. Do things together that you like to do. Do things together that your children like to do. Work together, serve others together, worship together. Relationships take time and time together doing a variety of things will have many positive benefits.”

Read the full study here.