How To Teach Your Kid To Be Respectful, Not Compliant — & Why That Distinction Matters

Raising a child who is thoughtful and good-natured is an endless balancing act for most parents. And while politeness and good manners are fine, sometimes the pendulum can swing so far that your kid ends up afraid to tell a server when they've gotten the wrong order, or they're unable to stand up for themselves when they rightfully should.

Sound familiar? Like a lot of parents, mine instilled in me a sense of being "seen and not heard," the 'ol "be a good girl" chestnut. Don't cause problems, don't make noise. Stay sweet. Never complain. So now, as a whole-ass adult, I'm crippled by even basic situations where I have to ask for something I need or — gasp — worse, raise a complaint.

Perhaps I'm an extreme case, but I do wish I'd been taught how to assert myself in a respectful way. So, if you've noticed your child has similar tendencies, how can you help them to listen to their inner voice and use it where appropriate? A neuropsychologist is here to help.

What is compliance, anyway?

"A compliant child is often characterized by their ability to follow directions without significant resistance, respect toward authority figures like parents and teachers, cooperative behavior in group settings, adaptability to new situations, and a tendency to complete tasks without excessive procrastination or opposition," as Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, tells Scary Mommy.

Of course, there will be variances based on your child's temperament and developmental stage, but Hafeez notes that "while some children may naturally be more compliant, others might exhibit greater assertiveness and independence."

But wait, isn't it a good thing to have a cooperative, respectful kiddo? To a degree, Hafeez explains. "Striking a balance is crucial, as overly compliant behavior may also signal challenges in developing assertiveness, self-esteem, or effective communication skills," she says.

What are the signs of a compliant child?

There are a few ways you can tell a child is struggling with some people-pleasing tendencies.

"One noticeable indicator is a lack of initiative, where the child seldom takes the lead in making decisions or choices independently. They may consistently avoid expressing their opinions or preferences to sidestep conflict with authority figures, showcasing a fear of disapproval," says Hafeez. "Overreliance on seeking approval and a tendency to prioritize it over personal needs or desires may also be apparent."

She adds that children who struggle to express their thoughts and opinions and defer decisions to others may demonstrate an unhealthy dependence on external guidance.

According to Hafeez, "Anxiety or stress when faced with decision-making, difficulty saying 'no' assertively, and a perfectionistic approach to meet others' expectations can signify enabling compliant behavior."

How can you help?

Thankfully, you can help model respectful behavior and show your kid that it's OK to stand up for themselves or to ask for what they need by doing so yourself.

"Encouraging independence and fostering critical thinking skills while providing appropriate guidance is crucial to promoting a healthy balance in a child's development," emphasizes Hafeez. It involves "nurturing their ability to understand and value their opinions and needs while still appreciating and adhering to rules and expectations."

• Encourage open communication: "Create an environment where children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment," says Hafeez. "Listen actively and validate their perspectives."
• Explain your reasoning behind rules: "Instead of expecting blind obedience, explain the reasons behind rules and decisions," she suggests. "Help them understand the logic and benefits of certain expectations."
• Respect their choices: "Offer opportunities for decision-making within reasonable boundaries," she adds. "Acknowledge their ability to make choices and let them experience the consequences (when appropriate) to learn from them."
• Model respectful behavior: "Children often mirror the behavior they observe," notes Hafeez. "Model respectful communication, empathy, and understanding in your interactions with others."
• Teach problem-solving skills: "Encourage children to think critically and find solutions to problems rather than simply following directives," she adds. "Guide them through decision-making processes."
• Validate their emotions: "Help them understand their feelings are valid while teaching them appropriate ways to express themselves respectfully, even when disagreeing."
• Provide autonomy with guidance: "Allow them to have some control over their decisions while offering guidance and support," she says. "This allows for autonomy within safe boundaries."

Of course, reaching out to a trusted professional for support is always a solid move, no matter the scenario. "If concerns arise about a child's behavior, consulting with professionals like pediatricians or psychologists can offer valuable insights and guidance tailored to the child's needs and circumstances," says Hafeez.