Please Don’t Parent My Kids Like They’re Your Own

I was at the beach with a group of moms. It’s a group in which we are casual friends, and I feel like a bit of an outsider. I marveled at everyone else’s ability to function like a little family, with each woman doting on the others’ kids — answering their questions, shaking out their towels, and tending to their newly scraped knees. They each brought their own beach bags, but snacks and supplies became communal as all the kids transitioned to the ocean and then back to the sand.

It seemed so easy and comfortable. But just as I started to feel jealous, two of the toddler boys began having a loud, aggressive disagreement over one of the beach toys. And before I could make sense of what was happening, the mom of one of the boys sprang into action. She separated the boys and scolded not just her son, but the other boy too, before putting them in time out. At that moment I knew that if the cute communal co-mothering relationship also comes with co-disciplining, I would have nothing to do with it.

Because while some of my friends are totally cool with the “feel free to discipline my kid like they are your own if you see them misbehave” mentality, it makes me wildly uncomfortable.

Now, of course, there are exceptions to this rule. If someone is babysitting my child or the scenario feels immediately dangerous and needs quick intervention, that’s a different story. By all means, if you see my child dancing in the busy street, say something! Still, in most normal situations, if I’m around, I want my husband or me to handle it based on our shared values using the strategies we have agreed on.

This applies to family, too. I watch so many family members take charge of young children even when their parents are right there. I guess it’s the “it takes a village” mantra, which I totally understand because I adore my village! I just don’t need them reprimanding my kids. They can leave that to me.

Because, to be clear, I will do it. I am not soft on my kids. I am absolutely not trying to shield them from responsibility or punishment. In fact, I think in most scenarios, my husband and I are quicker to reprimand our kids and help them take responsibility for mistakes and oversteps than those around us. But I don’t want anybody else doing it. That’s our job.

And maybe this is a me problem; it very well could be. Maybe I should feel comfortable with anyone respectfully and safely disciplining my child when it’s called for. I think something about it feels hurtful, oddly. Because my husband and I love our children unconditionally, and a punishment or reprimanding also comes with so much love. So, from anyone else, it feels meaner. It leaves me feeling like that person maybe doesn’t love or like my child very much, which makes me sad, and angry. And while I am not sure that is a healthy or logical way of thinking, it’s my truth.

So, as I sat on the beach marveling at the closeness of these co-momming friends, I understood that I’m clearly not evolved enough for this level of comfort and closeness with anyone outside of my husband. And I think that’s okay. Because while their system works seemingly effortlessly for them and their kids, it just would not work for me.