Why A "Low Effort" Family May Be Just As Toxic As A High-Conflict One

One of the greatest opening lines in all of literature probably comes from Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” There are, indeed, lots of ways dysfunction and trauma can rear their ugly heads. Many people might immediately think about high conflict families — lots of yelling, fighting, or even overt, angry abuse. But sometimes it’s not quite that dramatic. In a recent TikTok, Dr. Sherrie Campbell (@dr.sherrie), a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members highlights another kind of toxicity: the low effort family dynamic.

“It often seems far more harmless than a high conflict family, but it’s way more damaging than most people realize,” she says.

Low effort families are marked by their demonstration of a minimal emotional investment, “where family members show almost zero interest in each other’s well being, their problems, or their successes.”

Conversations in these families tend to be superficial and/or transactional. Not only do these families tend to leave things on the surface level with small talk, but they actively avoid meaningful or emotional interactions with one another, even/especially if there’s a problem that should be discussed. The tone is often set by the people in the family in a position of power or authority.

“[This] lets the relationship just feel like it’s adrift,” Campbell explains. “This type of low effort is so harmful because it’s emotionally neglectful. You are made to feel very invisible, unimportant.”

Without the supportive system of a healthy family, it can be very hard to ultimately know how to cope with adversity. This model also hinders personal and relationship growth, and can morph into resentment in the long-term.

“All problems get swept under the carpet in this low effort family dynamic,” Campbell continues. “Instead of being addressed and resolved, it just festers.”

She also warns that this family model can make the people in the family less empathetic overall: if you grew up without meaningful connections to those closest to you, you can become indifferent to their emotions and pain, and gradually that can spread beyond your family circle.

So what can someone in this situation do? As with any generational cycle, this one can be hard to break, but it’s not impossible. The first step, as it usually is, is to acknowledge the full scope of the problem: this dynamic is a form of emotional abuse.

Next, work on being the one to initiate deeper connections: think of the connections you crave and try to make them happen for the people in your life. This can start small: just ask how someone’s day was. Or, if you’re feeling brave, ask a deep, open-ended, meaningful question.

This grim portrait sadly resonated with a number of folks in the comments section.

“I could be dying or have won the lottery and my family would have no idea,” one person wrote. “My family doesn’t know anything about me and never has. IDK why my parents even had kids; they don’t talk to us.”

“It's very confusing growing up in such a family. because you sense something is off but you can't exactly say what's off about your family dynamic because it's very subtle the toxicity,” offers another.

“I thought this was normal but seeing how my coworkers take care of their adult children has been a reality check,” a third shares. “Some parents actually care and want to be present in their kids' lives, how odd!”

“You deserve genuine connection,” Campbell concludes in her video. “Don’t be afraid to ask for more when you need it elsewhere than in your family. And learn to offer that genuine support to others, because it can open doors to deeper connections for you.”