Here’s Why So Many “Great Husbands” Have Trouble Transitioning Into Great Dads

For the 12 to 16 hours we thought TikTok was going away, one of the accounts we were most sad about losing was that of @sheisapaigeturner. Paige has an incredible ability to succinctly explain the myriad issues that contribute to women becoming overwhelmed by unfairly hefting the weight of a household’s invisible labor... and also the very visible but often overlooked labor. In her latest post, she breaks down why finding a “good man” to raise a family with isn’t exactly the solution to the problem many might think it is.

The video begins with a stitch from another TikTok account wherein a woman is praising her husband for stepping up and being a truly loving, supportive, respectful, equal partner in their relationship. And we love to see this! Because everyone should be making the effort to be the best partner they can be. Moreover, we should be cheering our partners on when they’re awesome. How does one get such a great partner, the woman asks? “You don’t accept anything [less].”

But, warns Paige, there’s a little more to it than that.

“This is the exact same piece of advice I would have given other women in my 20s and I would have said it with my whole chest,” she begins. She goes on to explain that she and her husband have been together for almost 20 years and, from the get-go he was what you might call a good egg. An excellent partner, enthusiastic cheerleader, and strong, sturdy support. He comported perfectly with the high standards Paige had for him... until they had kids.

“Somebody will always ask women when their marriage is in trouble, ‘Well how did you not know? You should have picked a better guy. You should have had higher standards,’” she says before continuing. “Women do have incredibly high standards! But what happens when you have children is that society and systemic barriers come into play.”

It’s all the things you read about (and, in a lot of cases, know from personal experience). Women’s careers suffer while men’s flourish. Women take on the bulk of the mental load in addition to childcare and domestic labor. As such men have time for themselves and their hobbies.

“It’s not because men are just bad guys or all marriage is doomed. It’s because as a society we prepare women for marriage and motherhood,” she explains. “We tell them what it means to sacrifice as a parent and we don’t give men the same message.”

She also highlights the fact that the standards for men and women are different (shocking, I know). Women are expected to take on all the responsibilities in order to be a good mom (and, even then, we’re probably going to be nitpicked to death).

But...

“In order to be a good dad, you just have to simply be present,” she says. “You’re at the soccer game? Great! But mom packed the snacks, she washed the uniform, she brought the ball, and she coaches. But dad is the good one, because dad’s there!”

That ultimately hits at the heart of her issue with the “don’t settle” advice, which Paige categorizes as “an oversimplification.”

“It tells women that if they have a partner that doesn’t show up in an equal way ... it’s because their standards weren’t high enough,” she says. “So many women put so much time and effort into finding the best partner, but then they have kids and everything falls apart and it’s not because they married a bad guy who has bad intentions. But it’s because society tells men who to be. And it doesn’t tell them that they have to fold the laundry with a smile on their face ... and it doesn’t shame them for going to work or for having daycare but it does to moms.”

The end result? Resentment. And while the systems that lead to that resentment can often feel like a trap, Paige suggests this is actually that system working as intended.

So yes, choose a partner who aligns with your values and is delivering his end of the bargain as a partner... but be aware that parenthood will up the ante for both of you and he needs to be on board.