8 After-Pregnancy Side Effects I Still Suffer From

I am angry. No, angry is too strong of a word.

I am frustrated.

Nope, I am angry that after hours of scouring baby advice websites, dozens of parenting books that were carefully read page by page, and endless conversations with my friends that are mothers and my own mother, no one, and I mean no one, warned me about the side effects that would appear long after pregnancy.

Oh sure, there were things I fully expected: complete and utter exhaustion, being madly in love with this tiny human that I created and pushed out of my lady bits, and saying farewell to the itsy bitsy bikini at the beach and hello to the mom tankini at the kiddie pool. But I was not prepared for these after pregnancy side effects…

1. After having two children in two years I learned that a laugh, a sneeze Ahh-choo and a quick sprint up the stairs all result in the same ending: a new pair of panties.

2. I consider myself a rational and calm person, but I was ill prepared for the sleep deprived and hormonal wild woman I would morph into after having children. Most of this can-of-bonkers was reserved for my husband, but in my defense, he totally deserved it.

3. The space between my nose and my upper lip used to be reserved for an adorable smattering of freckles. Now it’s reserved for hot wax to pull the black hairs from their roots. My lady-stache is only outdone by the prickly, black whiskers that continue to appear on my chin, that much like a Gremlin that is fed after midnight, magically multiply at night. Thanks, hormones!

4. Some nights I would stare into his closed eyes as he slumbered soundly and would plot his demise if he slept through yet another diaper blowout or screaming infant. Maybe I could just jam a pencil into his ear. I mean it wasn’t like his hearing was functional because who the hell could sleep through the 3 AM cries of their own child?

5. We’ve all heard that breast is best, but no one warned me what would happen to my best breasts after two pregnancies and breast feeding. My cups used to runneth over, but now I have to poureth my cups into my bra. What a bait and switch! Glorious pregnancy boobs that end up looking like something Picasso created. And if I reach up really, really high and stretch my fingers in the air, I can show you where my breasts used to perch only to have them quickly plummet to their new resting place as soon as I lower my arms. Gravity, friends, it’s real and it’s a bitch.

6. My ass wasn’t the only thing that got a whole lot bigger. I learned to say “goodbye size nine shoes” and “hello size ten”. Sometimes I stand in front of my old shoes and squeeze my feet into a sexy pair of sandals only to have my toes squish out the front and my heel hang off the back. Sure I could just replace my collection with newer, larger sizes, but what’s the point? Even if I did have fabulous shoes where would I wear them? Strappy stilettos to the playground? Thigh high boots to preschool pickup?

7. I’m not sure if it’s considered an actual medical condition, but Momnesia is real and I am living with it every single day. There is no known cure, and I will walk this earth searching for thirty five minutes for my bra only to realize I am in fact wearing said bra.

8. After having children, I’m the Wonder Woman of multi-tasking. Did you know I can nurse a baby, kick a soccer ball to my son, chat on the phone with my mom, and plan dinner in my head all at the same time? It’s true, and in fact, right now I’m performing open heart surgery and making pancakes for my kids.

What transpired to my mind and body is so beyond comprehension, I can only assume these deep dark secrets were kept hidden from me so that I would actually have a baby. Because seriously, who the hell would go through this willingly?