Why Are Internet Moms So Mean? And Why Do We Still Keep Turning To Them For Help?

It's 3 a.m., and you're wide awake — mulling over a tough work situation, obsessing about your baby getting SIDS, or worrying your teen will never get through a recent cyberbully-style drama. You feel totally alone in it... except for one place.

Whether you hang out in Facebook groups, Instagram, X, Reddit, BlueSky, TikTok, or elsewhere, the internet moms are there for you. You rattle off a few paragraphs with your problems, and you have plenty of input within an instant. But with that, of course, comes no shortage of opinions, and with the opinions comes criticism.

Next thing you know, you aren't only defending yourself; you're in a full-blown argument about politics, vaccines, medicine, parenting philosophies, or whether that snide remark from your mother-in-law was actually offensive or "well-intentioned."

You sigh, roll over, and put your phone back on the charger, maybe even more upset than you started. Yet, if you are most moms, you'll do the same thing a week later when the next upsetting thing hits. Why? A 2023 Mott Poll Report out of the University of Michigan Health found that 84% of mothers use social media for parenting advice and support.

"Internet moms are like the internet's unofficial hall monitors, armed with judgment and a sharp eye for a typo or questionable snack choice," says conscious trauma healing expert and influencer Lindsey Kerns. "But is it really judgment? Or is it the result of sleep deprivation and the sheer amount of time spent hiding in the bathroom for 'me time'? They've seen it all: the baby food debate, the 'how many apps are you using to track your child's development?' debacle, and the ongoing saga of who has the more Pinterest-worthy diaper bag."

When internet moms pile on the guilt

"Maybe you've lost sight of meaningful things to do with your life." That's one of the responses I got in a group for moms when I posted about having more kids or not. Another mom in our local Facebook group recently asked for validation — even though her work week is four days and her daycare runs five days, she worried she shouldn't be spending that "extra day off" on resetting, self-care, errands, chores, etc. One mom's response? "If they are off, your kids should be with you." How helpful... And how much weight did that mother give that one guilt-trippy comment, compared to dozens of others reassuring her it's a valid move?

A 2024 study found that some mothers may be more susceptible to idealized portrayals of motherhood on social media than others, even leading to higher levels of anxiety. So, the mother who's worried she's not being present enough with her kids on that fifth day per week is reaching out for validation and likely leaving feeling more guilty and worried.

A sad but maybe necessary replacement for “the village”

"Often, moms ask the internet as a last resort — because they don't have friends they can be real with or that can relate. It's hard to make friends as adults ... and it's hard when you go through a huge life change like having a baby, and your existing friend group isn't necessarily able to support you through the huge learning curve of parenthood," says Jessica Hill, fair play facilitator and prenatal educator and founder of The Parent Collective.

But, Hill explains, the internet responses often "ring hollow" because they are missing the context and personal relationship real friends and family bring. Recent podcasts, movies, and books point to this societal expectation for support and our circles falling short, such as in Melissa Wirt's new book, I Was Told There'd Be a Village, and other moms figuring out their villages don't have to be filled with blood relatives. Some even ask moms with older kids to step up and be the village.

Regardless, a physical village is likely more helpful than the worldwide internet. "If they receive a negative comment on a question or a post, it's important to remember it's not personal. That person has a snapshot of their life and situation, and parents shouldn't allow that to dictate whether or not they seek support when they need it," says Jamie Buzzelle, a parenting coach and founder of The (Repair)ent Coach.

Endless medical posts

When your pediatrician doesn't open until Monday morning, and the ER means waking up four kids and driving an hour away, it makes sense why 79% of parents use Facebook on a daily basis for health-related information. This is especially true when you see parents posting, "I'm also asking the doctor, but…" as some appointments are just 15 minutes, and parents need more details than that.

"When parents turn to social media groups, ultimately, they are looking for more information. This can help give them ideas of what they can do in situations where they otherwise don't know how to handle a problem or a season in their parenting," says Buzzelle. "It can also be a place to bounce off ideas, check out if they have worked for others, and generally be able to compare notes with other parents."

Worth another try?

Buzzelle says it still might be worth finding the right online support.

If you do want to keep turning to internet moms for advice, here are a few tips to make it worth your while, instead of making you more infuriated by keyboard warriors:

• Avoid political posts when possible, unless you are prepared for the passionate and divided response.
• If you are asking a medical question, consider asking for anecdotes or examples rather than using responses as the “rule” or in place of medical advice.
• Ask sensitive questions in trusted groups only, where you know people are generally careful or admins are involved in posts.
• Post anonymously if you aren’t comfortable asking something outright as yourself.
• Be specific about the type of responses you are looking for — Advice? Validation? Reassurance? Positive stories? Other?
• Remember you don’t have to answer everyone, especially if they are being rude, unhelpful, or mean. Ignoring is a powerful response.

Buzzelle says, “While there are a lot of mean internet moms and ‘trolls,’ there is also a lot of positivity.  Parents can find support groups that will provide them the sense of community and emotional support they so desperately need.”  But of course, if you want some real talk, text a friend or close family member and ask them to grab a coffee or a drink.