Oldest Daughter Of 8 Kids Wants People To Stop Having Large Families

It’s one thing to decide whether or not you want to have children. But for those of us who decide to go for it, there’s always the question of “How do you know when you’re done?” Some of us are lucky: after our second was born, my husband and I both had an immediate sense of “Oh! Everyone’s here now!” For other families, kids are like potato chips: before you know it you’ve had a dozen of them. But TikTok creator Madison (@hertraline) recently sent out a “spicy” message to those considering large families: “You cannot have half a dozen plus kids and be adequately meeting each one of those child’s needs.”

Madison shares that she is the oldest of eight children, and she knows that there will be some who push back on such an emphatic declaration. In fact, she highlights two of the most common counter-arguments she’s heard from people:

1) The idea that “Love doesn’t divide, it multiplies,” and;

2) The idea that “Everybody’s different and some people can make it work.”

“Love may divide but time doesn’t and children need time,” she says simply, before continuing. “The amount of time a child needs from a caregiver doesn’t reduce just because there are more children in the picture or because you love them just as much.”

She gives the example of having two kids: each of those children can be given at minimum an hour of one-on-one time with a parent every day. When you have eight children that’s just not possible.

“When I was growing up we got to have one on one time with our mother twice a year,” she says. “That’s all we could do.”

She also has thoughts about the idea that some people will say they really enjoyed growing up in large families. But, she warns,

“There is no large family out there where every child will tell you they enjoyed it, and that’s what should matter. It doesn’t matter if one or two kids out of eight had a great time while the rest of them were suffering.

“Everyone is different, it’s true!” she continues. “And that’s why you shouldn’t be out there having six, eight, 10, 12 kids because they’re all going to be different and when you have that many there’s going to be more than one who are suffering in the situation that you put them in. That’s just the truth.”

She doesn’t have a hard number to offer up as a cut-off. Rather, she urges people to think about whether they can spend at least an hour of dedicated, one-on-one time with each of your children.

“If you think that’s an unrealistic parenting ask, you are the problem.”

There were some commenters who vigorously disagreed with Madison’s stance.

“As the eldest of nine, no one in my family is suffering,” said one. “It’s not a ‘bad situation’ we’re put into. You don’t need one on one time for an hour daily. You can have amazing quality [time] with siblings and parents.”

But those comments tended to be met with a considerable amount of pushback. Most were largely in agreement. Many described being one of six to 11 children who rarely felt as though their needs were met.

“I have nine siblings [and was] fourth born,” another wrote. “My needs were NEVER met, besides being fed. It was awful.”

“I'm surprised you didn't mention the parentification of the eldest children as well,” said a third. “I see too many families like this that make their oldest children a pseudoparent as well.”

This, too, was a popular sentiment in the comments.

“Every person I've met from a big family didn’t want kids of their own,” another observed. “Because they already raised siblings. Also, don’t underestimate the trauma of parents who have more kids than they can afford.”

“Even in The Sims I gotta prioritize the 3 with the nicest hair,” quipped one commenter and, honestly, it’s funny and somewhat poignant.

Ultimately “pro-choice” means you have to support women’s right to choose what reproduction looks like for them. That could mean living childfree or having 19 kids. But Madison raises important points that families should consider before they have children, however many that might be.