29 Stupid Things Kids Fight About

The bloom fell off the rose early this year. Not even the lure of shiny new school supplies or freshly pressed uniforms could break the melancholy mood that quickly descended over our home once school was back in session. We’ve officially been in school for 13 days and I’m already counting down until Thanksgiving—our first long break (74 days, by the way). By day 8 I had run out of lunch ideas. Day 10 we’d overslept. Day 12 I proposed the idea of homeschool just so we could sleep in past 6:15. I was met with silence and blank stares, so that idea was quickly discarded.

As I sat in the pick-up line on day 13, I daydreamed of our summer days filled with late mornings and even later nights, unscheduled trips to the beach, and s’mores on the back patio. I missed the layer of sand that covered the floor mats of my car. I could still see the phantom image of surfboards poking between the seats. I wanted a washing machine full of bathing suits and rashguards, not polo shirts with our school crest emblazoned on their left breast.

And then my car doors opened, the kids scrambled into their seats, and proceeded to argue…for the entire 20-minute car ride home. Suddenly, the truth of summer all came rushing back to me. It was not quite the 12 weeks of sun-kissed bliss I had been daydreaming about. In fact, I believe it was week 4 when I tearfully called my husband offering to sell my own blood to pay for a camp…any camp. The incessant bickering had reached a fever-pitch and I was at my breaking point. If arguing over stupid things was an Olympic sport, my kids would be gold medalists.

Here are just 29 of the one million stupid things my kids fight about:

1. Whose juice glass is cooler

2. Arguing (believe it or not, children can argue about whether or not they argue a lot)

3. Who’s “out” in any game of Gaga, butts-up handball, or Nerf War

4. Whose sock is on the floor

5. Anything based on opinion

6. Anything based on fact

7. Who said “hi” to the neighbor first

8. What time Grandma and Grandpa are coming over

9. What time Grandma and Grandpa actually arrived

10. Who hugged Grandma and Grandpa first

11. How to empty a dishwasher (newsflash: they both suck at it)

12. How to scoop dog poop

13. Who fed the dog last

14. Whose tortoise is bigger

15. Who gets the last of anything

16. Who gets the first of anything

17. What we had for dinner last night

18. Who gets sunscreen applied first at the beach

19. Whether or not the new Maroon 5 song is overplayed

20. Which route to school is faster

21. Who started “it”

22. Who gets to use the treadmill and who gets to use the elliptical in the garage (because taking turns is certainly not an option.)

23. Who gets to unlock the car door

24. Who gets to unlock the front door

25. Who forgot to close the car door

26. Who forgot to close the front door

27. Slurpee vs McFlurry

28. Who greeted Dad at the door first

29. Who greeted Dad at the door first yesterday

Suddenly, the 74 days until Thanksgiving can’t pass slowly enough and packing lunches never sounded so good.