What This Mom Really Needs: Oh Toodles!

Hot dog! Hot dog! Hot dog, Hot dog, Hot diggity dog now, we’ve got ears, it’s time for cheers.

Oh the Mickey Mouse Club House! How I currently loathe you. We don’t even watch a lot of TV, but when it’s 5 p.m. and I’m trying to cook dinner and everyone is trying to climb back up in my vagina, yea, I turn on the TV. It’s called “witching hour survival mode.”

It is unanimous in my house that the only TV show that should exist is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. It is toddler crack. I turn on the Clubhouse at times to buy myself 10 minutes to make coffee. When I come around the corner with my warm cup of goodness, I have to chuckle to myself. My kids look like a couple of crazy people at Burning Man—both hypnotized by the colors, one with no pants, another with fluff in their hair, both unaware that they had soiled themselves. Yet so happy.

In my house, if you want to please the inmates you always put on Mickey.

“Do you want to watch Thomas?”

“No, I’ll watch Mickey.”

“Do you want to watch Nemo?”

“No, I’ll watch Mickey.”

“Do you want to watch Elmo?”

“Mickey.”

Now, if you are in the 1% of the population who has never seen Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I’ll bring you up to speed:

It’s babies first glance at stereotypical TV sitcom characters.

Mickey and Minnie are that couple you’ve known forever and have been together since high school—the people who are blowing up your newsfeed with pictures of hiking and apple picking.

Donald is Mickey’s dumb best friend.

Daisy is the stereotypical hot girl.

Goofy is that person who is always at social events, but no one is even sure who really invited him. I mean, he’s a dog who has a pet dog. Is any one else concerned that Pluto doesn’t speak? Everyone else gets to be a talking animal, yet he’s still just a doggy dog. Is he really a kid on a backpack leash? Hmm, we may never know.

Now the character I would really like to talk about in this baby fantasy world is Toodles. Toodles is a machine friend who brings them anything that they could possibly need in any sticky situation, anywhere, at any time.

You need a bicycle pump? You got it. You need an extra car seat? Toodles has your back. You want a mystery tool that you didn’t even know would better your life? Um, yes please. All these friends need to do is shout “Oh Toodles!” to get this kind of service.

Now, I know what you are thinking: Why in the world am I putting all this thought into the social dynamics of an imaginary children’s show and what their robot friend does for them? Fair question.

Maybe it’s because it’s 4 a.m. and both my toddlers have lost their way and believe that it is the beginning of the day. Mostly it’s because they pooped and instead of the Dad changing them, he brought them in our bed and threw them on top of me. He didn’t “realize they had pooped.” I found out this morning. Hmm, no judge is going to believe that story. Or maybe it’s because the coffee has not even started to kick in yet.

You see what kind of parenting morning I am talking about?

You get the picture. People will step on your neck to do a sweet jump over the couch. 4 a.m. is the worst time. It’s a time I don’t want to stay up until or get up at. It is a time for slumber. My kids have agreed to disagree on that statement.

So in my delirious mom haze, I started thinking about all the times this week that I needed Toodles to come and bring me some shit, to help me with my #momproblems.

Here are some recent events in which I could have used Toodles assistance:

1. Getting To and From Work

I have just gotten out of work and am alone in a dark parking lot. It is winter in New England. It is so freezing that I’m pretty sure my nipples have frozen, fallen off, and rolled down the street. I open my Jeep door to grab the ice scraper. A memory flashes across my brain. Yesterday my 2-year-old was carrying it around the driveway. I grabbed it from him once I got everyone to the mudroom. Set it down next to the coat rack. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. You can clearly remember saying to yourself, “Gotta remember to put that back in the car on my way to work.” Then continued beasting everyone inside to get them down for nap time. Noooo! #momfail

Ohhhh Toooooodles! I’m using my sons snack cup to de-ice my windshield. You mind dropping off an ice scraper? That would be great thanks.

2. Peeing Your Pants in Public Places

Ohhhh Toooooodles! I need new pants. That sneeze took me by surprise, and I was not able to effectively cross my legs and sit down in preparation. I already used my emergency Jeep pants yesterday. Hook a Mom up, my friend.

3. Every Type of Toddler Mess

Ohhhh Toooooodles! Get the hose!

4. Taking My Toddlers Out Into the World

Ohhhh Toooooodles! They only run in opposite directions. GET ME A LASSO, LARGE COFFEE, UNLIMITED CLEANING SUPPLIES, and possibly a XANAX.

5. Every Day All Day

Ohhhh Toooooodles! Can you get a time-freeze gun? So I can go back to this moment forever and remember them just like this—poop and all.

In the end, I figured it out. I’m Toodles. Every mom is Toodles.