Do You Have This Very Common Disorder That Afflicts Parents?

I’m sick.

And chances are that if you have children, you’re sick too. You probably don’t even know that you have a serious disorder, but that’s OK, I’m here to clear things up.

I’m here to give you facts and knowledge.

Let’s take it back three years, shall we? Back to 2012. It’s 8:30 in the morning, and I am dressed in trendy, non-stained articles of clothing, ready to go meet a friend for breakfast before heading to the mall to buy more nice clothing, like blouses, that in all reality I didn’t need. In 2012, I look good at 8:30 a.m.

Now, in the year 2015, at 8:30 in the morning, I look like this:

What makes me look like this, you ask?

Besides the lack of a tanning bed in my life (I’m a recovering addict), I’m also suffering from a very common disorder:

Parental Disorder

Individuals who are living with this illness tend to prioritize other things before their personal appearance, but that’s just one symptom.

Listed below are the most common symptoms that come with Parental Disorder. If any or all of these sound familiar to your lifestyle, then most likely, you too are living with this condition.

Brace yourself and keeping reading with a box of tissues and a loved one, if possible.

1. You are unaware of what ‘Netflix and Chill’ really means.

When your significant other asks if you want to “Netflix and Chill,” you say yes. As they throw their body on top of you out of sexual desperation, you scream, “I said I want to watch Netflix and CHILL!” Since you have Parental Disorder, you are unaware that Netflix and Chill is now code for let’s have sex. Apparently, your spouse’s childless co-worker clued him in on this new meaning, yet failed to inform you.

2. You can’t hold a conversation past 8 p.m.

When you’re lucky enough to score a babysitter and finally able to attend one of those work happy hours or holiday parties, you find yourself showing all of your co-workers your child’s latest school glamour-shot. When you’re bored with that (along with all of your colleagues), you are constantly looking at the clock. When 8 p.m. rolls around, you can’t even hold a conversation because you’ve realized that you would much rather be at home sitting on the couch in comfortable clothes watching videos of your child on your cell phone. The urge is so powerful that you spend the next 20 minutes debating if you should leave. Then you leave.

3. Your car is spacious and efficient.

When you go to buy a new car, you freakin’ dread it. “But how many children, car seats, strollers, sports equipment and neighbors can we fit into this beast?” is your only question and concern when you have Parental Disorder. It’s a brown minivan that resembles that turd your toddler pushed out this morning, but you don’t give a crap. Think of how many bodies will fit into this thing! How exciting! You’re grinning from ear to ear in your rolling turd. The kids can run around in it, the doors shut automatically, and it has a DVD player? Shut up.

This minivan is so dope.

4. Your children’s faces are the only things that are on your Facebook page.

While your healthy, normal friends post girls’ trip photos, work accomplishments, and home decorating pictures, you only post photos of your children’s faces. Always. Multiple times a day. #sorrynotsorry and #cutnessoverload are your most used hashtags because people with Parental Disorder only care about their offspring. Everything else is boring—and so not cute.

5. Online sales are just as exciting as major holidays.

You look forward to bogus online sale days, such as Amazon Prime Day. You mark them in your calendar. Think of all the stuff you’re going to buy in BULK! When the day finally arrives, you are extremely disappointed with the merchandise selection and express your opinions via Facebook.

We see what you are doing here Amazon, trying to clean house of crap nobody wants and calling it a sale. You’re fooling no one. We still don’t want those worthless earbuds or crystal drinking glasses set—oh wait, that robe looks soft though…

6. You prefer a simple dinner at home.

Going out to eat is way too much work when you’re suffering from Parental Disorder. Everyone loves paying for food that their toddler just shoves around on his plate rather than consuming, but to you, a simple dinner at home seems much more fufilling. Who knows, if the stars are alligned perfectly, the children might even go to sleep early, giving you extra time to consume your second dinner. Bring out the junk you hide from the kids and chow down.

You keep your steak and fancy restaurant; I’ll eat this left over Go-Gurt and wash it down with chocolate milk.

7. Your idea of a fun ladies-only night is playing cards in oversized sweatpants.

When your girlfriends want to do a ladies-only night, leaving the kids and husbands at home, you secretly wish it was at someone’s house drinking wine and playing cards. Those with Parental Disorder feel more comfortable at home in oversized pajama bottoms without loud musical beats bombarding their eardrums.

I love you ladies, but I’d love you even more if we weren’t at a bar and if I wasn’t wearing heels. The balls of my feet are screaming, and this drunk man on my left won’t stop slurring in my face. I’ve been spit on enough today already.

8. Coffee is your lifeline.

I don’t even need to elaborate on this one. You already know what I mean—you already know.

If these symptoms sound all too familiar to your life, then I’m afraid you too have Parental Disorder. Don’t be alarmed: Research shows that people affected by this medical condition actually live very happy, fulfilling lives, so consider yourself #blessed.