Motherhood Has Made Me A Total Weirdo

Motherhood is a unique, empowering and beautiful experience that will forever change you. Before you know it, you will be grocery shopping braless in Target and congratulating your son on his poop of the month while deciding how many boxes of Mac & Cheese to purchase for the next week of whining, kicks in the boob, and farts at the dinner table.

People will tell you that you are a great mom and that motherhood suits you. You will believe them and pat yourself on the back until you realize that you have been sitting on the toilet for 15 minutes doing nothing but scrolling through your Facebook feed while your 3-year-old is trying to shred your unpaid bills with a pair of scissors she had happened to find. It is then when you discover that motherhood has changed you, and it scares the hell out of you.

After the scissor incident, I started to observe myself and my actions. Who is this woman? Did she really just wipe milk off of her son’s chin with her finger and wipe it on her own shirt? Is she really still wearing her pajamas at 2:30 in the afternoon? Is this creature okay?

I’m okay. I promise. But after observing myself in my habitat, I will admit that I do some weird shit that makes me want to look the other way and back away slowly:

• When I notice my kids’ dried boogers on the wall, I walk away and pretend I don’t see anything. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

• I make “That’s what she said,” jokes to myself when I hear my kids say things like, “Mom! Look at the size of this banana!” Don’t judge.

• Sometimes I forget to make myself lunch. When I forget to make lunch for myself, I turn into a ravenous beast, foaming at the mouth when I notice that my children have left scraps of food on their plates. Jackpot!

• When my children aren’t listening to me, I rely on the wise words of Daniel Tiger to get them to do what I want. Thanks, Daniel Tiger. You have taught my kids how to brush their teeth, share their toys and flush the toilet. Friends help each other, yes they do, it’s true. I know you got my back, bro!

• When I do take a shower before 2:30 in the afternoon, it’s because I am running late and need to be somewhere ASAP. In this scenario, I will also drink my coffee and brush my teeth during my shower to save time. I know what you’re thinking. I have mad multi-tasking skills.

• My kids inspire me to make up and sing my own songs. Most of the lyrics include the word poop. My greatest hits are: “She’s a super poop, super poop, she’s super poopy!” and “Drop it like it’s poop, drop it like it’s poop.”

• When it’s my turn to count for hide-and-seek, I snuggle with a blanket on the couch and see how high I can count until my kids beg me to find them. One-hundred and thirty-two, one-hundred and thirty-three, one-hundred and thirty-four…So peaceful, so calm.

• Finally, I have been promoted to master butt crack inspector. After years of diaper duty, I have passed the torch to my son and daughter and have taught them all I know in the art of wiping. I have to say, I am pretty impressed by the abundance of streak-free undies in the laundry basket these days.

Motherhood is weird and scary, but I assure you, it truly is all it’s cracked up to be. I’m okay. I promise. You’ll be okay too. If you need to, just go to the bathroom, shut the door, and revel in five glorious minutes of…Oops. Not this time, mom.

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