The Upside to Menopause

Menopause is that tricky thing better known as the “sucky phase” in a woman’s life that no one ever wants to talk about. I can already see all the men clearing the room now. Hell, I want to leave with them — maybe join them for a beer at the local sports bar just to avoid this subject. Sorry ladies, but menopause is a fact of life, and how you handle it is all in the attitude. It’s known as “the change of life,” not the END of life, which means that it isn’t ALL bad. Look at it as an era of new freedom. Yes, you heard me right. There IS an upside to menopause, and I’ve come up with a list of 10 reasons why you should look forward to this challening-but-interesting time in your life…

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1. No More Periods. You can swim with the sharks and not worry about becoming fish bait. You can also go camping in the mountains in Montana without fear of grizzly bears shredding your tent in search of raw meat.

2. Weight Gain. This can be great, but only if the extra weight is distributed in the right places. If it goes to the breasts, you’ve got a built-in floating device to prevent drowning in a pool. If it gives you a badonkadonk butt, you can sign up as a backup singer for a Beyonce music video. But if the excess weight settles in your stomach, you’re going to have to tell everyone it’s an inoperable food tumor that you are forced to carry for the rest of your life.

3. Hot Flashes. Sporting a shiny, red face and sweat rings under your arms has its advantages. It fools people into thinking you just had an invigorating session at the gym or in the bedroom. Hot flashes also keep your heating bill down in the winter and help you sweat out those extra calories from the chocolate Nutty Buddy cone you scarfed down in your car at the gas station.

4. Memory Loss. It’s sorta like early dementia. It erases all those nasty movie reels from the past that you’d rather forget. Like the night you puked spiked cranberry juice all over your white birthday party dress. Or the time your husband thought it was a good idea to clear the dance floor at your best friend’s wedding reception by doing The Worm in his tuxedo.

5. Loss Of Libido. You no longer have to feign headaches. Just remind your spouse that your lady parts are as dry as tumbleweeds rolling across Death Valley and he’ll leave you alone.

6. Mood Swings. You can be Freddy Krueger one minute or a Care Bear the next, and nobody will accuse you of being bipolar like they did in the car pick-up line at the elementary school when you were a hot mess mama in your thirties.

7. You’re No Longer Fertile. You’ll never have to worry about birth control again. The money you save can then be invested in Viagra stock.

8. Insomnia. You get to add an extra 4 hours to your day since you’ll only be sleeping for 3. All those pesky items on your to-do list will be finished in no time. But you’re going to need some spackle in your makeup box to hide those duffel bags under your eyes.

9. Dry Skin. This is your excuse to go shopping and spend a fortune at the Lancome counter at the mall. No one wants to look at a face that resembles an elephant’s ass or a 10 year old Shar Pei.

10. Fatigue. Your body shifts into narcoleptic mode every day after lunch. To combat the fatigue, you have an excuse to invest in a gold card membership to Starbucks or convince your boss you have a medical condition that requires a midday nap on the floor under your desk. Be sure to carry a pillow with you at all times.

See? Once you change your attitude, menopause isn’t all that bad. You just have to learn how to roll with the hot flashes, bloating and roller coaster mood swings! And it wouldn’t hurt to have a healthy stock of wine on hand at all times, just in case.