What Does Good Sex Mean To You?

As we get older, our definition of “good sex” definitely changes. When I was in college, I might have thought that good sex was with a really attractive person, or sex after a night of dancing with a stranger, or sex not in the back seat of someone’s crappy car.

Now that I’m in my 40s, and have a few long-term relationships in my rearview mirror, good sex means something different: connecting with someone I’ve known for years in a new way, trying out a new fun toy, or sleeping with someone who understands and remembers which one of my knees is recovering from surgery — and how to work around it lovingly.

We wanted to anonymously hear from our readers: What makes sex good for you? Whether you’ve been partnered for 20 years or you’re single, whether you’re having sex with yourself or others, whether you even like sex that much — what separates the forgettable rolls in the hay from the really magic moments?

Note: We had one man answer the survey, and he said, “Blowjobs.” He has been blocked.

Here’s what you had to say:

Safety and security

Over and over again, our readers said that good sex cannot happen without first feeling like you are in a safe space to be yourself, express yourself, and feel secure. It’s simple but true.

“Feeling safe.”

“Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable.”

“Safe and sensual.”

“Sex with someone I trust completely and am 100% comfortable with.”

“Feeling safe to express myself.”

“No guilt, shame, or embarrassment.”

“When it’s fun, exciting, and safe.”

“A safe and comfortable place.”

More-play foreplay

Sure, you might have been married for 15 years and only have 30 minutes until the kids get up. But that doesn’t mean that your partner can just go for it without warming you up and finding the mood (and your clitoris, for god’s sake!!).

“Flirting and then foreplay.”

“Both orgasming. Good foreplay.”

“Foreplay!! Him actually focusing on the clit!”

“Long, slow, and gentle to begin. Followed by safely-wild, hard-hitting scream fest!”

“Being on the same page about needs.”

“Quality over quantity.”

Satisfaction, people!

It might go without saying, but many of our readers just want to feel good (and, in a lot of cases, finish). Props to the large number of people who clarified that not everyone needs to get off every time for good sex, but both parties need to walk away feeling satisfied.

“Both people finishing.”

“When everyone walks away satiated and connected.”

“When both partners are satisfied in whatever way they define it.”

“Orgasms and snuggles!”

“When it feels natural and not forced. When both parties are really into it.”

“Whether it’s quick or drawn out, both partners climax.”

“When everyone feels pleasure.”

“Not feeling frustrated when it’s over.”

Ladies first?

Good sex might have a schedule to it. A number of women who responded noted that for sex to really hit the spot for them, their spot has to be hit first.

“Both turned on. Get me off first and enjoy the extra lubricant from that.”

“When he makes sure I finish before he does.”

“When I’ve been taken care of first.”

“When my husband waits for me to cum!”

Connection

This one shows experience: Many people needed to feel connection in order to elevate their sexual experience. While some people love a good one-night stand with a stranger, other people really need to feel the chemistry, connection, and growth (emotional growth!!) during and after the act.

“At the end you feel more connected to your partner.”

“Two people exploring and fulfilling each other’s desires.”

“Connecting with my partner.”

“Intense palpable chemistry.”

“It’s not all about the orgasm. I was to relax, connect, have fun, and be in the moment.”

“Connection, trust, and closeness.”

Reciprocity

Just like at Christmas, everyone has a better time when there’s both giving and receiving — it can feel less than cool if only one thing is happening. Many readers think a sexy give-and-take makes for the best sex.

“When the other person reciprocates — and openly enjoys doing it.”

“When everything is reciprocated.”

“Knowing that someone is fully into you and takes time for your needs and desires.”

“A partner who cares about your needs and desires as much as their own.”

Passion

Passion is definitely needed for truly great sex because the opposite sounds a bit sad! We love the reader who wrote “mental euphoria,” and we bet she’s great in bed! It’s easy for long-term partners to lose the spark, but keeping it alive can be the difference between ow and wow in bed.

“Deep, passionate connection fueled with physical touch and mental euphoria.”

“Emotional connection. Passion.”

“Something that doesn’t feel required or another chore.”

“Passion usually leads to a giant orgasm!”

“Feeling desired even after two kids, breastfeeding, and baby weight.”

“When you feel seen, heard, and touched.”

“Understanding that passion grows from feeling valued.”

Intimacy

Again, there’s nothing wrong with sex between strangers or friends, but many people think good sex needs to involve knowing each other on a romantic, intimate level. And that makes good sense.

“Complete intimacy.”

“Intimacy and a good orgasm.”

“Intimacy where both people are mindful about the other’s experience.”

Vulnerability

Love this one. How can you really get to know someone sexually if both partners aren’t open and vulnerable? Yes, it can be scary, but with someone you trust, it can be transcendent.

“When all involved are allowed to be honest, trusting, trustworthy, and vulnerable.”

“Becoming completely vulnerable.”

“The ability to openly share sexual desires.”

“When I’m 100% in the moment.”

“The ease in which I can be vulnerable, completely aroused, and finish completely.”

Here for the laughs

A number of readers had quips we just had to include on our list — and some of them are very, very true (although we won’t say which ones).

“Not having to be on top all the time!”

“A bigger penis size helps.”

“Any sex would be a miracle.”

“When I have to change the sheets afterward.”

“A literal romp around the bedroom.”

“Some laughs and some kisses.”

“When the kids are out of the house.”

“When my needs are met outside the bedroom first!”

“When I get to fall asleep immediately afterward.”

“When it makes me stop thinking about my to-do list.”

“When penetration is not the main event!!”

“When the house is clean, the kids went down easily, and I’m not 100% exhausted by bedtime.”

“Quick.”

“When I’m in charge.”

“Uninterrupted.”

“Knowing that my husband has a vasectomy.”

These answers have been lightly edited for clarity.