Is Having Sex With Your Partner Only Once A Month Bad?

Sex once a week sounds ambitious when you have kids, jobs, household duties. It’s not impossible, but much like putting a weekly coffee date or weekly meeting on the calendar, it can feel a little... much.

But sex once a month doesn’t sound too bad, right? You know how fast a month can go between sports practices, school events, work projects, sleepless nights — it all adds up and bam, you’re six months into the year and completely unsure how you got there. Like driving a route you take every single day with zero memory of the actual ride.

The thing is, sex once per month comes out to having sex 12 times a year. And that can feel like not enough. When you remember how much sex you had with your partner in those early weeks of dating, when you just couldn’t keep your hands off of each other, the idea that you can climb into bed together 29/30 days a month and not have sex feels impossible.

Despite people not having sex as often as we think they are, it can still feel a little daunting to realize you’re only having sex with your partner once a month — even if that sex is incredibly good and fulfilling for both of you.

But Sarah Ruiz, a sex therapist and couples counselor, says that’s exactly the part you need to focus on. “There are no rules about how often ‘good’ relationships have sex,” she says. “All that matters is that both of you feel loved and connected and happy with the sex.” And yes, that means even if you only have sex once a month with The Office blaring in the background and it lasts 12 minutes, if you’re both satisfied, then all is well.

“Now if you want to have more sex, then by all means — go forth,” Ruiz says. She recommends asking your partner when you both have time and bandwidth to chat. “You can be open and honest. If you’re feeling insecure about the amount of times you have sex, bring it up. If you want to know specifically how they feel about the frequency of you two having sex, ask them,” she says. It doesn’t have to be an awkward conversation or start any kind of animosity. “You don’t want to open up with, ‘We aren’t having enough sex and we need to change that,’” Ruiz says. Use those “I” statements that couples counselors talk about so often. “They really do work,” she adds.

The bottom line is that if both you and your partner feel good and connected to each other with sex once a month, then you don’t need to change anything. Intimacy comes in many forms, and if the two of you are spending quality time together throughout the month — even if it doesn’t involve sex — that still keeps your relationship strong and fulfilled. “Sex is great and you should have as much of it as you want,” Ruiz says. “But don’t downplay cuddling on the couch with a movie or going to bed at the same time. Massages, back rubs, kissing — all of that is worth doing with your partner, even if it doesn’t lead to sex.”

Now, if you find that sex once a month isn’t your ideal situation and you’d like to have sex more frequently, that’s OK, too. “Talk to each other,” Ruiz says. “That’s always the best piece of advice.” By telling your partner you feel disconnected or that you want more sex in your relationship, you can open the door to figuring out how to make things work for both of you. For some couples, that might mean getting on a schedule. For others, it could mean just being more aware of the time you have and prioritizing sex over the next episode of Severance.

But if you’re feeling like sex once a month is bad, don’t. Sex is different for every couple, and as long as you two are happy, then a monthly sexcapade is the perfect amount.

(I do recommend at least muting The Office though.)