What To Do When Your Sex Life Has Become Capital B-Boring

When you've been together for a while, it's easy for sex with your partner to become routine. You know what works and are usually short on time, so you tend to cut to the chase. For some couples, that's totally fine. For others, it can make sex start to lose its sparkle. If you're wondering how to spice up your sex life — from broaching the topic with your partner in a productive way to, you know, what to actually do in the bedroom — here's what the experts have to say.

First things first: Don't panic. "People get really nervous and worried, like, Oh my God, what does this mean about us? Does it mean we're not compatible? Is something wrong with us? But it's very normal to get bored by doing the same thing over and over and over again," says Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and co-author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.

It obviously takes two to tango, so you're going to need to chat with your spouse about adding some new moves to your shared repertoire. If you don't talk about sex all that often, or you want to make a change, it can sometimes come off as criticism. So, how can you bring this up in a productive, positive way? Remember PEVIS, a handy communication method from Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a Kinsey-certified sexologist and tenured professor of sexual communication at California State University Fullerton. It works like this:

• Positive comment: “Start the conversation with something positive about your sex life. For example, ‘It feels so good whenever we get a chance to sexually connect,’ or ‘I love our sexual connection.’”
• Explore their views: “Ask questions to explore their view on the topic. If the topic is about boring sex, then you can ask, ‘How do you feel about our sex life for the last couple of months?’ or, ‘What are some sexual activities that you think we could explore together?’”
• Vulnerability & “I” language: “Be vulnerable and share how you feel about the situation using ‘I’ language. For example, ‘I feel like it’s hard in a long-term relationship to maintain the spark,’ or, ‘I would love to see how we can spice things up a bit more this year for our sex life.’”
• Solutions: “Provide a couple of solutions that you’d like to try. For example, ‘I heard on a podcast the other day about staycation sex.’ ‘I read that there’s a fun sex subscription box for couples, and it sounds exciting!’ ‘I heard about sensual massage, and I’d love for us to try.’”

If you're both on board with trying something new, don't feel like you have to try something over-the-top kinky, Marin says — a lot of couples' minds go straight there, and it can be intimidating. "Instead, think about what are the things that we used to do at the beginning of our relationship when we first started having sex with each other that we are not doing anymore? It's not that you need to start doing anything brand new. It's just bringing back the things that you used to really enjoy." Maybe you used to spend longer making out, or foreplay would happen in a different room before you went up to bed. Nothing crazy, but something different, you know?

If you do want to amp things up a bit and try brand new things in bed, Suwinyattichaiporn has some ideas:

• To figure out some new options you and your partner would both be comfortable trying, fill out this worksheet together (it is super NSFW, for the record, and will take some time to complete).
• Try a subscription box that will deliver lingerie, toys, and more right to your door each month. Knowing you have new goodies en route helps take some of the pressure off of you two to come up with ideas yourselves.
• Watch porn or listen to audio erotica together. “Maybe watching porn isn’t your jam, but there are lots of good audio porn apps that are made for women and couples. Try listening to it together as a part of foreplay,” she says.
• Use a sex pillow. There are lots of positions out there to try, and using one can help you get into them a little easier, Suwinyattichaiporn says. They also add a little *depth* to the positions you know and love, if you get my drift.
• Do a “sexy check-in” once a month. “Ask your partner, ‘How would you rate our sex life this past month? What can you, I, and we do to improve that score by one point?’ I do this monthly with my husband, and it really helps us stay sexually connected and communicative,” she says.

If you do nothing else, Marin says simply checking your energy and being in the right mindset can add a lot to your intimate moments.

“If you are bringing energy that is already bored — like you can predict what's gonna happen and don't have any energy to change it — you’re going to have boring sex,” she says. “I call it first impression sex. The first few months that I was having sex with my husband, I was putting so much effort into that sex, like I was bringing my energy, all this excitement. I was really focused on what I could do to bring him pleasure and on letting myself feel pleasure. I was just in it. Bring back that first impression energy where you’re actually trying.”