High-Conflict Couples Therapist Offers Advice To Improve Apologies
The difference between a good apology and a bad one may only takes a minute.
Everyone, at some point, has been on the receiving end of what experts refer to as — pardon the technical jargon — “a crappy apology.” You know the type. “I’m sorry but,” or “Sorry, you should have told me that bothered you...” the always terrible “I’m sorry you were offended/hurt/upset.”
And, let’s be honest here, sometimes we’re the ones giving a crappy apology. Sometimes it’s because we know what we meant and it wasn’t bad. Or we were just so upset we had to let the other person know. How can we do better? High conflict couple’s therapist Dr. Marina Rosenthal, who posts as @drmarinarosenthal on TikTok, recently offered a really simple hack to give better apologies.
“When you apologize to your partner, count the seconds between your apology and when you start centering yourself or explaining your perspective,” she suggests. “Try actually counting. Literally: how many seconds do you wait after making an apology before you start talking about your experience. If you want your apologies to land with your partner, you need to not follow them up immediately with your perspective, even if your perspective is reasonable. Wait a little bit longer; stay with their experience a little bit longer. Your apology will do nothing if it’s just a means for you to start talking about yourself again.”
It’s so simple but has the capacity to be so effective. Of course, actually doing it might be hard to manage: people long to be heard and understood... but that’s why giving a good apology is so important: this method allows your partner to know you see them and understand them.
Reaction from commenters was varied and nuanced. Some saw the value in this kind of approach.
“Nothing kills an apology like an explanation,” one TikTok user agreed.
“This is literally the rule in my house,” said another. “One person at a time. I will hear you out and validate you, then after things calm down, I need you to hear me out and validate me.”
Others prefer going about apologies a little bit differently.
“I don't even want an apology,” observed a third. “I want validation and a plan. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Just don't do it again.”
“My partner and I explain where we were coming from first for full transparency then build up to our apologies,” said another. “Helps give us perspective, peace of mind, and see from each other’s point of view.”
Many, whether because of experience or intuition, were skeptical.
“Does not work with a narcissist,” one replied ruefully.
Another simply joked,
“LMAO, I’m not grown enough for this.”
Just as there are many ways not to apologize, there are a lot of ways to apologize in a way that will make a bad situation better. None are perfect, and they’re all somewhat personal — different people appreciate different kinds of communication — but this hack offers the valuable insight that no matter how you go about it, remember who this apology is really for. (Hint, it’s not you.)
