What Is “Fexting” In Relationships? Think Twice Before Firing Off Those Angry Messages

Texting has pretty much taken over how we communicate with each other. Seriously, does anyone pick up the phone anymore? Texting is fast and convenient, so when you want to tell off your partner for being late for dinner again, it makes sense that you would do it over text. But next thing you know, you're in a full-blown argument, sending off hurried messages, tons of exclamation marks, and maybe even the odd passive-aggressive emoji.

This behavior — fighting over texting — is known as "fexting," and while it's commonplace, clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Manly, author of Date Smart, doesn't recommend it.

"Although texting serves us well for short conversations, I'm a huge fan of having serious conversations in person or — at the very least — via video or other platform that allows for more personal interaction," she tells Scary Mommy. "Many people feel 'safer' having serious discussions via text; this often points to unresolved trauma from childhood or otherwise that makes in-person conversations unnerving."

However, Manly says it's imperative to not only resist fighting over text but also to be proactive about what's troubling you to begin with. Below, she outlines why we fext and what we should do instead.

Why do we fext so much?

According to Manly, fighting over texting may feel more comfortable due to the sender's unilateral sense of control. For example, it's a lot easier to send off harsh words, even expletives, when the person isn't in front of us.

"When texting, the sender may feel a far lower sense of accountability and empathy due to the physical and emotional distance that electronic communication offers," Manly explains. "When we fight in person, it's far easier to register feelings of discomfort in ourselves and others. When we fight in person, we have the ability to notice vital factors such as body posture, eyes, and emotions; these energetic and visual cues foster empathy and contribute to healthier interactions."

And let's not forget how seemingly more triggered we become via text. We've all been there. Like that time you received a one-word response from your partner only after you'd shared a paragraph, and now it's war.

"We're often more triggered by texts because they lack so many of the cues essential for healthy communication," Manly says. "Texting — although great for communicating basic details — deprives us of the ability to read important cues such as body language, intonation, and mood. Texts don't give us the context we often need to assess and understand the energy and meaning behind the sender's words."

Not surprisingly, says Manly, we often get triggered by misinterpreting positive texts in negative ways and by feeling helpless to resolve negative text messages in healthy ways.

What are the drawbacks of fighting over texting?

"The drawbacks to fighting via text are significant," Manly says. "Although it may feel good at the time to download your aggressions via text, finding a healthy resolution is unlikely given the lack of connective discussion. Texting foments dichotomous (black and white) thinking that is a poison pill for healthy intimacy."

When texting is the go-to method for fighting, Manly explains that couples don't utilize and hone the conflict resolution skills that are absolutely necessary for a healthy intimate relationship.

In fact, she recommends fexting is only acceptable when face-to-face discussion is impossible due to situational factors. "It's fine — if not ideal — to handle a disagreement by text as long as both partners lead with kindness and respect," she says.

How can you avoid fexting?

If fexting is a habit between you and your partner, Manly says you can avoid fighting by text by laying respectful ground rules for your disagreements. "It's often helpful to agree in advance to a few basics, such as tabling disagreement discussions until both parties have time to 'reset' and engage in a respectful face-to-face discussion," she suggests. "Strategies such as these are helpful on many levels, including giving partners time to cool off, reflect, and recalibrate."

For example, when tempers are hot, you can diffuse a situation by saying, "I love you. I hear that you are upset. I want to address this and make things right. Let's set a time to sit down and talk."

So, how can you "fight fairly"?

When it comes to fighting with your spouse in general, Manly recommends first using another term since "fighting" connotes war and disconnection.

"I encourage couples to use more neutral terms such as 'disagreement' or 'difference of opinions," she says. "Neurolinguistically, the body and brain are wired to respond to more aggressive terms such as 'fighting' with a fight or flight response. When we switch to milder verbiage such as, 'Let's make time to talk about our disagreement,' we're far less likely to be triggered — and far more likely to engage in positive conflict resolution."

Other tips include striving for good timing, meaning making sure you're not discussing emotionally charged matters when one or both of you are hungry, tired, angry, lonely, or emotionally dysregulated, which tends to cause more harm than good.

For example, Manly says it's appropriate to say, "Thank you for letting me know that you're upset with me; I want to resolve the concern. I'm absolutely drained from work today, but I really want to hear what you have to say. You are my priority, and I want to be at my best when we talk. I'd like to take a quiet 15-minute walk to recalibrate. Does this sound good to you?" Messages like this, she says, let partners know that they are a priority and that resolving the issue is important.

Focusing on the core issue, and one issue at a time, is also key when having a healthy disagreement with your partner.

"Strive to know in advance — as best you can — what is bothering you and why," Manly says. "Conflict often escalates when old baggage is intentionally or unintentionally brought into the discussion. When you know your old wounds well (whether from childhood, former relationships, or the current relationship), you are less likely to inadvertently bring them into the discussion."

Which is why she says it's crucial to resolve issues as soon as possible. "If a relationship has a host of unresolved issues piled away, it's possible to begin to sort through them one at a time. When this is done in a healthy, respectful way, partners often find that many of the issues share a core concern (e.g., a lack of respect). As one issue is resolved, some of the closely associated issues are naturally addressed in the process."

Manly also recommends using "I" messages followed by a "to-do" statement. "When discussing issues, use 'I' messages to avoid complaining, blaming, and shaming. Adding a 'to-do' clause adds clarity regarding the preferred behavior. For example, you might say, 'I feel disrespected when you don't clean up the kitchen and leave it for me to do. Would you please clean up after you use the kitchen?'"

The next important part is engaging in reflective listening. In this process, known as "mirroring" or "reflective listening," Manly says the goal is to listen to a partner fully and set aside any personal opinion. Then, the listener restates what is heard, obtains clarification, and listens again until the speaker feels fully heard. The roles are then reversed.

"This process, though often challenging at first, is very effective at allowing each partner to feel heard," she explains. "This process also avoids the common problem of focusing what was heard through the filter of one's mind rather than on what the speaker actually said."

By taking the time to respectfully hear each other out at a good time for both of you (and not on the phone!), you'll likely avoid fexting and resolve your issue in a more calm and rational way. So the next time your partner gets on your nerves, take a breath and put your phone down.